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Abandoned 1 April 9th, 2018 01:04 AM

Help desperate for advice
Awhile ago I made a post wondering if my bff hated me or was just grieving over the death of her mom.

On Easter her daughter and her daughter's best friend were having a fight. So they sat down and she played mediator. She used me as an example of how best friends operate. She said basically that even though she gets mad at me a lot and has to disappear to her room to get away from me, she loves me and always will. Because I stood by her side through everything. And she would sacrifice anything for me. And that at the end of the day she only has me and she chooses me. She told the girls about how the day before she had her first dream where she realized that her mom was dead in the dream and when she woke up, she wanted me. She didn't want her husband or her dad or anyone else. It was me she wanted to talk to.

Well... I did a bad thing. Because the next few days after that she started treating me like crap again. She had gotten a new phone and left her old phone on the table outside my room. So I went through her messages. Yes, I know invasion of privacy, really crappy thing to do. I get it. Spare me the lecture about this. I know it was wrong. But I did it. I can't take it back.

What I found out though is that she told her online boyfriend that I'm a squatter. If you remember from my first post.... I spent my entire savings on her family when I moved from Mass to GA to be there for her and support her when her mom was dying. I worked 60-70hrs a week, paid her rent, bought her groceries, got her husband and her kids Xmas presents. I clean, cook, laundry, grocery shop. I take care of her kids and her dogs. I went without a job for ONE month. I even asked her if me getting behind on paying her rent was going to be an issue. She said no. Now she's telling people I'm a squatter. She also says I'm a closet lesbian who is obsessed with her. To my face though I mentioned moving out and she got upset. What am I supposed to believe here? What she's saying behind my back? Now mind you, she only says this to people she's never met in person. All online friends. No one that's really in her life. Not even her husband. Also want to point out I've realized the only time she treats me terribly in person is when her husband is off work.

What do I do? I literally can't afford more than 200 in rent. So I'm not in a position to move out. Clearly I need to confront her about this. But I can't let her know I read her phone.


LucyVanPelt April 9th, 2018 04:26 AM

Re: Help desperate for advice
Your BF is bad mouthing you to her online boyfriend, and treats you like crap in front of her DH. This isn't worth a confrontation.

Get out. Cut the ties. Find a room to rent somewhere else. Go home. Reach out to family or old friends. This is not a healthy situation for anyone. The sooner you get out, the better.

JemStar April 9th, 2018 10:05 AM

Re: Help desperate for advice
Lucy is right!

It's manipulation on a GRAND scale. GET OUT NOW.

She says, "oh we be besties. we are the real deal" and behind your back she cannot even acknowledge what you did out of concern and love for her and her family" who does that? (mean people that are selfish, I think. she may have some mental issues)

Don't wait until the hurt eats you up and you just go crazy.

Want to really have a "GO" at letting it out? Tell her you saw the phone - since you two are sooooo close you were going to put a "hey there--hi there" type message in it and found some pretty ROTTEN TO THE CORE things she said.

Make a list of what you did, paid for etc. Hand it to her.

You might want to have SOME place to go - somewhere - just in case. Some people do rent extra rooms/cheap bnb.

best of luck!

KayKay April 9th, 2018 10:56 AM

Re: Help desperate for advice

I would not confess to reading her phone though. Honestly, I think she planted it. But at any rate, if you tell her you saw the phone, that gives her one more thing to demonize you about.

I'm also not convinced that you need to confront her. To what end? You keep giving her the power in your relationship... stop that. Play your cards close to the chest, come up with an exit plan, then GO. If you give her advanced warning, you know she will manipulate you into staying and it'll just be more drama. She seems to love drama.

And wait, she has an online boyfriend when she's married with two kids? She's messed up. Maybe she needs to focus on what she has IRL and not her online fantasy world.

It will be hard if you can only afford $200/mo in rent. Not to pry (don't answer this, but just think about it to help get yourself organized) but if you're working 60-70 hours per week, where is the rest of your money going? You said in your last post that she's all you have where you are now, but reach out to coworkers etc. and tell them that you are looking for a temporary living situation - a couch to crash on for a month - while you figure out a new arrangement. Also, as LucyVanPelt said, reach out to family and friends in your old hometown. Maybe pick up a second job (I know... hard if you're working 60-70 hours per week) as an Uber driver or a Shipt shopper to make money to stash away.

You can do it.

JemStar April 11th, 2018 08:31 AM

Re: Help desperate for advice
KayKay is right -- you might not be in a position to have a confrontation about the comments made in the phone. Never thought that it could be a ploy to get you.

I do know something about how difficult it can be living with another person that you need to depend on for a solid roof over your head, yet feel so constrained and uncomfortable around.

You basically have no rights. You feel almost like a piece of property.

Work on getting out. Don't bring up what you read on her phone. It might be the real feel by her, might not. But you are unhappy now and this relationship is not sounding too healthy for you.

You showed her kindness and gave of yourself because you cared. She didn't notice. Some people are this way...takers?

What is the point in this if you are the one that truly cares and gives while she does mean things behind your back? Why would she do this?

Her goal is...what?

There may be some help for you at shelters for women who are in a bad relationship. To me, this sounds like a bad relationship where you feel you have no place to turn to. Emotional abuse. That, at the worst, you find your clothes and belongings in the driveway and the locks changed!

Be safe.

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