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-   -   Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/showthread.php?t=8291)

trixxie November 27th, 2017 09:49 PM

Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
My eldest son moved back into our house - cooling off period as DDIL calls it.

My son has two small children - ages 1 and 2 1/2 - both work F/T.

I told my DS that I don't want to know their marital problems - its the same thing I told DDIL - that I hope they can work it out. I don't want or need to know specifics.

Am I wrong? Should I speak to my son about the "issues"?

I prefer to remain Switzerland in this situation - I love them both and the grand-babies very much.

Oh, and DDIL said to me "you can make it as uncomfortable as you want - he needs to have an epiphany"

thoughts? Advice??
Please and thank you for those that may of been in our situation.

PS - hubby and I have been married over 35 years with our share of ups and downs.

KayKay November 27th, 2017 10:09 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Hi trixxie!!

I agree... be Switzerland. :) "I love you both very much and hope that you can work it out." Offer to watch the kids if they want to go to counseling. Other than that...

I will say though that whatever the issues are, your DS living in your house needs to be living there as an adult boarder and not as your son. I'd be tempted to do his laundry, cook his meals along with mine, etc. I think maybe he needs to be very clear about what life as a single dad would be like.

Good luck, to you and to your son and DDIL. :(

trixxie November 27th, 2017 10:36 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by KayKay (Post 85218)
Hi trixxie!!

I agree... be Switzerland. :) "I love you both very much and hope that you can work it out." Offer to watch the kids if they want to go to counseling. Other than that...

I will say though that whatever the issues are, your DS living in your house needs to be living there as an adult boarder and not as your son. I'd be tempted to do his laundry, cook his meals along with mine, etc. I think maybe he needs to be very clear about what life as a single dad would be like.

Good luck, to you and to your son and DDIL. :(

I had to tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. It's none of our business. He's 35 years old and needs to figure things out.
AND YES!! I won't be mothering him and make things easy for him. If DDIL asks - I will help out with the grandkids.

BTW, missed seeing you around. I'm sorry there is a lot going on with hubby with him being on the transplant list.

KayKay November 27th, 2017 10:57 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by trixxie (Post 85219)
I had to tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. It's none of our business. He's 35 years old and needs to figure things out.
AND YES!! I won't be mothering him and make things easy for him. If DDIL asks - I will help out with the grandkids.

BTW, missed seeing you around. I'm sorry there is a lot going on with hubby with him being on the transplant list.

Ahhh! We miss you too! I always love when you stop in. I hope you keep us up to date with your DS and DDIL.

What are the custody arrangements? It must be tough on your DDIL to get the kids up and going in the morning to get to day care. Maybe you ought to suggest (to your DDIL) that they take turns living in their house and your DDIL can live with you part of the time when your DS is having his turn at their house. :p

trixxie November 27th, 2017 11:04 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
That's what I think too - unfair for her.
That's why when DDIL said "don't make it easy for him" I totally agreed.

I hadn't thought of that - however, I think she wouldn't want to stay here - her Dad lives nearby too. BUT, I like that idea that if this goes on for too long that she should be a "single" for awhile.

Yep, whatever the issue is, my DS is doing his thing. He's out playing basketball with his buddies. He's done this for years, even before he met DDIL....

PS - I sent you a msg - I posted in the wrong area - I should've posted in "adult children" versus this one.

PPS - I happened on my first post when we first started here. Interesting memories...

I'll update on the other DDIL in another thread - we get along famously now!

KayKay November 28th, 2017 12:18 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
I moved the post for you. :D

Well, if your DS is out playing basketball with his buddies, I think we may have stumbled upon the problem. I think I have been in your DIL's shoes, when my kids were those ages and my husband was working all of the time, so not a reliable source of help. It was so tough, and I was a SAHM! But... Switzerland! :D

One of my friends (who really is such a tremendous role model for me in many ways) has a son and beloved DIL who were divorced about 1.5 years ago, with two young kids. It has been heartbreaking for her, because she really loves her xDIL. So I can imagine what you're going through. Her xDIL told her that one of the reasons the decision to divorce her son was so hard was because she knew she had the best MIL in the world and would miss my friend wholeheartedly. She worried about her xDIL having to do all of the morning preparations for their young children (not in school yet). It is tough on the children, as they get older, to split time between the two homes which are an hour apart. My friend worries about what is going to happen when they start school (the parents live in different districts) and has so many questions to ask and advice to give, but one reason everyone loves her so much is... Switzerland. :D

Will you still get to see your grandkids as often?

LucyVanPelt November 28th, 2017 05:42 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Aww, Trixie, I love to see you, but not under these conditions. I'm sorry.

I support the Switzerland approach!

I also went through a rough time where I was working, and taking care of everything, and DH went out and played ball with his buddies. My MIL very much supported that-- she would never sit for me because I worked, but she would sit for him to play. And I contributed my own challenges to the marriage-- like punishing him so he'd learn his lesson.

I'm sharing this because our marriage survived this rough part, and many marriages can. His play time is still very important to him, and I still feel like the responsible adult, but DH's playing has become less of a problem because the children are mostly grown. We did almost separate, but the reality of that scared me enough to make me work through it. I hope that your DIL and DS see what I did, that divorce was just exchanging one set of problems for another.

I hope they find a way to work through this, and I hope you can remain Switzerland!

Now, about your DH-- first, how is he doing? Second, what did your DH want to say?

trixxie November 28th, 2017 09:58 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
I am so glad you are here! I've been caught up with DH. And all the new grandbabies!

DH is doing... well, ok. I think he's giving up. He has a fatalistic approach saying things like "if I'm around next year" he's not saying it now around the holidays. And, surprisingly, he is acting stronger to show support - but I can't get him to walk even around the block. He's gained a bunch of weight and while I understand that isn't the problem so much as the underlying issues - medications, and liver failure. He had a splenectomy when he was young and received 4 units of tainted blood and contracted HCV. While that is cured due to a new medication, the damage is done to his liver. His weight is an issue, and he needs to lose weight to get him BMI down to a surgical level.
Yeah, that bad.

Well, this morning I had left a note for DS. Telling him help himself to whatever he needs to eat. He didn't bring anything with him.

DH? He wanted to ask "what the f*ck do you think you're doing? You have a beautiful family". He hasn't said that.

Being Switzerland - I think will be ok. I am going to say to him tonight - if you need someone to watch the kids while you both go to counseling - I am your gal.

The other thing?

DS has been out to lunch with a female co-worker. If it's progressed? I don't know.

LucyVanPelt November 28th, 2017 10:36 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by trixxie (Post 85224)

DS has been out to lunch with a female co-worker. If it's progressed? I don't know.

Ugh. That may very well be the deal breaker.

Whether or not it's physical, it may be an emotional affair. Or it might be nothing.

If your DIL were here, I'd refer her to Divorce Busting.

I might have allowed DH to give his son a kick in the pants. Fathers and sons have a different relationship than mothers do, and with your DH's illness, it might be heard.

Your poor DH, though. HCV is such a rotten disease because it's hidden until it's advanced.

How is your health?

trixxie November 28th, 2017 11:18 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Regarding HCV - DH decided early on to put family first and not get treated with a possible year-long interferon treatment that may or may not of been successful. He wanted to continue making a living and supporting his family. By that time, the damage has been done. It's a vicious disease - medications and their side effects.

Yeah, DH told DS that he hoped things would get back to normal. I'm being quiet about it all and just accepting that he is a boarding at our house. DS himself said "thanks for housing me" Interesting term...

I'm ok - I'm so glad we moved back to WA - I absolutely hated AZ (where Elaine is - I think) Is Elaine still around?

To me, the idea of lunching with a co-worker is emotional betrayal. Pure and simple. I have no idea if it was fast food (doubt it know my DS). He is more of a sit-down and eat at a local Asian themed restaurant.

What is Divorce Busting?

LucyVanPelt November 28th, 2017 01:44 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by trixxie (Post 85227)
Is Elaine still around?

She left the forum, but I see her on Facebook. She's doing very well and looks very happy. :)


Quote:

What is Divorce Busting?
Divorce Busting is a counseling/support system based on a book of the same title. It's written by a woman with the intent to empower women to save their marriages and heal the damage caused by cheating. The focus isn't on fixing one's partner, but on fixing oneself. When one person changes, the other person reacts by changing, too.

You can put Divorce Busting in a search engine and read some on it. I don't recommend paying the high price for their counselors, but it's a start until a pro-marriage marriage counselor is found. :)

trixxie November 29th, 2017 08:42 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
I am Switzerland, I am Switzerland...

However, my DH said to DS as he left this AM for work - "call your wife and apologize"

Evidently DH is part of the UN.

Perhaps in the next few days; sanctions?

KayKay November 29th, 2017 09:39 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by trixxie (Post 85238)
Evidently DH is part of the UN.

Perhaps in the next few days; sanctions?

:rofl:

Ah, but Switzerland probably realizes an apology isn't what DDIL needs. If DDIL says your DS needs an epiphany, it sounds like she needs behavior to change going forward.

All is not lost. The UN maintains offices in Geneva. ;)

trixxie November 30th, 2017 04:13 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
DDIL texted me - about a shopping trip - no mention of DS.

I kinda wanna know what happened - but I don't want to think ill of either of them. OR take sides.. being Switzerland is difficult at times.

I understand that there was an attempt to speak with DDIL - but the reach-out was rebuffed.

sigh. I just don't want things around here getting too comfortable - you know?

We haven't said anything to DS sibling - thoughts on that?

LucyVanPelt November 30th, 2017 06:21 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by trixxie (Post 85252)
We haven't said anything to DS sibling - thoughts on that?

It's not your news to tell. Let him tell it when and how he wants to tell it.

If DDIL wants to go shopping, go. If she brings up the situation, and you can listen actively without giving your opinion or getting emotionally involved, listen. If you can't (I know I couldn't), then simply tell her that you know she needs to talk, but you're too close to the situation to listen.

The reach-out may have been rebuffed because DDIL wants to see ACTION, no more talk. But, you are Switzerland do you're not judging what they are doing.

You can, however, set up rules for your DS. If he's boarding there, then he should be treated like a boarder. How much is he paying for room and board? ;)

trixxie December 2nd, 2017 11:53 PM

DS went home!
 
DS went home - DDIL and I didn't go shopping. I am hoping that they are working on their relationship.

If he was going to be home longer than a week, I would charge like 50 bucks or so a week.

As a side note, I found a letter that this DS wrote in his HS senior year. It was hilarious from the fact he didn't want his Mom and Dad to charge him rent..

I agree with you - it's not my story to tell. It would appear to be gossip versus news.

LucyVanPelt December 3rd, 2017 05:11 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
DS went home? Yay!!! I hope it works out for them. :)

trixxie December 9th, 2017 10:23 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Me too - so far so good.

rattlesnake December 28th, 2017 04:57 PM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Hello Trixxie.

I'm reading here because I am having issues with my adult DS as well. I posted in the Grandparents forum since it involved his kids.

My DS is 29 and I don't know why he never grew up or followed my examples in life. It is hard not to blame oneself, especially when others out there like to blame mothers for things...telling me I spoiled him as he was the baby. I don't think he was any more spoiled than the next kid, but somehow he grew up very selfish, entitled, and irresponsible.

My DS does not live with me but I have most certainly been enabling him to live above his means in his "own house" for the past three years since his wife left him. I can relate that you feel your DS is doing your DIL wrong. My DS did not cheat; in fact xDIL cheated on him. I will never defend that, nor the lies and turmoil that followed soon after she left him. But I do understand why she was not happy with DS. I understand all too well. :'(

And after what we have been through over the past 3 years I'm shocked to hear myself say it but if they were in a court battle for custody, I don't really see myself siding with my DS at this point (they currently have 50/50). I sure hope your DS and his wife work things out.

Knot2loud December 29th, 2017 06:58 AM

Re: Son moved back home - DDIL kicked him out
 
Your DS is a man and he made a choice. It's easier to blame the parents, others or chance than to accept responsibility for the bad decisions he makes.

I'm for choosing battles and tough love. The world is a PITA to live in and everyone is responsible for their own choices and/or decisions. I have no objection to helping out when someone is in over their head due to circumstances they can't control, but to blatantly make a bad choice to avoid responsibility. No, I draw the line there. I've paid the piper due to my own bad decisions in my life. That doesn't say I won't offer advice from my own experiences or knowledge, but that requires an open mind and an ability to willingly listen to advice. Unfortunately, more times than not, the receiver is to arrogant to listen or just simply doesn't want to do anything about the problem.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

By the way... You're a great grand parent!!!


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