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snafu November 12th, 2016 03:20 PM

"child" custody & "adult" child
DS has turned 18 ... the custody agreement runs out when he graduates from school.

I have been telling him he gets to chose who he spends the holidays with - the rotation schedule doesn't matter. He's talked about going to his dad's to see the entire "clan" for Thanksgiving since they're supposed to be at his dad's this year.

Once he's done with school it will be on him to make plans, to arrange transportation, etc.

LucyVanPelt November 12th, 2016 03:45 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
I think that's the right way to handle it. It's hard to see them grow up, and it's a little painful when they choose to spend holidays with someone else. We have to remember that it's not a "0-sum game." (((hugs)))

snafu November 15th, 2016 10:00 AM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
I'm going to take all the hugs ya'll have to give

DS has told me he doesn't enjoy the holidays here at home ... he'd rather stay at home in pjs all day and relax/have fun - he does not enjoy spending the day with DH's entire extended family .... who are basically strangers to him .... he said its lonely ....

So there's a good chance, as I'm letting him make his own choices, that I'll rarely see him for holidays

KayKay November 15th, 2016 10:39 AM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child

snafu, learn from my MIL please. My DH is like your son - he likes spending the day in his sweatpants watching football. One year - before DH and I had kids - MIL begged us to go to her house for Thanksgiving. DH resisted, telling her truthfully that he didn't want to be around "strangers" (MIL always invited people with nowhere else to go, and while it's kind of her, DH and I didn't know those people) and he just wanted to lay on a couch and watch football. MIL begged and begged and swore up one side and down the other that it would just be us and SIL. DH finally relented but said, "Mom, I'm not kidding. Fair warning. If you invite ANYONE else, I'm never having Thanksgiving at your house again."

We showed up, and there were three people there we didn't know. That was 23 years ago and we haven't been back.

Does DH's family have Thanksgiving at your house every year? Is it not possible to alternate places and have them go elsewhere so you and DS can have the Thanksgiving you want sometimes?

HopeandStrength November 15th, 2016 06:44 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
This is never an easy situation for a parent. A child who is mostly with one parent often wants to go to the other parent for a holiday because it seems more exciting and interesting. While society says an 18 year old is an adult, there is still a lot of child. They will make decisions that are self-centered without considering a parent's feelings. As hard as it may be, do not take his decisions personally. It is not anything you have done or not done. These are the roller coaster years and it can all be unpredictable. If he is open to compromise, you can suggest a middle of the road solution when a situation warrants it. If you do wind up spending some holidays apart, make sure that you make a plan that is special and that you are with people who love and treasure you. When your son is back with you, you can still celebrate the holiday with him, it can just be a different day. You show love and you show goodness as a parent. It will come back to you one day, it is just not usually on the timetable we wish. Hang strong and be good to yourself.

snafu May 24th, 2017 06:37 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
Just had this talk w/DS again ....

ex and I are scheduled to talk about the new/post-grad agreement soon... (ex sent a text that seemed as if he's trying to set up a summer schedule ...pfft)

Annsdil May 25th, 2017 02:18 AM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
Is this a financial agreement snafu or time spent with your son?

snafu June 6th, 2017 06:48 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
Anns, sorry I never got back to this....finances only (insurance, college)

DS needs independance ....his social life shouldn't be dictated by parents ... Rules yes, control no

Annsdil June 6th, 2017 09:36 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
You're absolutely right Snafu. I'm glad ex agreed with the insurance. 😊

Cremebrulee June 7th, 2017 10:57 AM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child

Originally Posted by snafu (Post 84210)
Anns, sorry I never got back to this....finances only (insurance, college)

DS needs independance ....his social life shouldn't be dictated by parents ... Rules yes, control no

I totally agree with this....

It's very sad and hard at times to let go, but your doing the absolute loving thing for him...which is selfless....

It's time dear one.

there will be other interests and issues, that will bring you closer, and sometimes not, part of being a parent to a grown up adult. But letting go, is tough for moms, I won't deny.

I kept repeating over and over again to myself, "My job is done, it's time for him to live his life and make his own choices"

snafu September 16th, 2018 01:40 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
DS still plans to do the holidays with his dad's family.

LucyVanPelt September 16th, 2018 02:21 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
I'm sorry, snafu. I'm sure you'll miss him. But, you know early enough that you can make some plans to cheer yourself up.

KayKay September 16th, 2018 04:51 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
One of my friends volunteers for a local homeless shelter which feeds people on Thanksgiving on her "off" years (when her kids go to their spouses' families). I plan on doing that as soon as my kids have somewhere else to be.

snafu September 17th, 2018 03:53 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
I should probably start looking into things now - after I find out what the plan is with DH's family (and my DM)

One thing I've been thinking of is doing 2 Thanksgivings Canada's and the US's.

KayKay September 17th, 2018 07:17 PM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child

Originally Posted by snafu (Post 86380)
One thing I've been thinking of is doing 2 Thanksgivings Canada's and the US's.

:confused: Why? So you can have a holiday with DS?

snafu September 18th, 2018 08:33 AM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
...thanks Kaykay .... your comment made me realize how silly that would be at this time

but in the future - depending on the "kids" having families it might be a good idea (I don't want them to feel that they have to do the "4 Christmases" thing)

KayKay September 18th, 2018 11:25 AM

Re: "child" custody & "adult" child
What would you do to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving? What I mean is - would you have DH's family over etc. just like American Thanksgiving?

I celebrate Bastille Day with my kids, but it was a silly thing we did out of boredom one summer that everyone thought was funny. Now it's just an excuse to eat baguettes and drink French 75's. :p:D

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