Friends and Family Forum

Friends and Family Forum (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/index.php)
-   In-laws (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/forumdisplay.php?f=3)
-   -   New Thread for Seeking Sensibility (http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com/showthread.php?t=2758)

Cremebrulee October 16th, 2009 06:24 AM

New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
Seeking Sensibility http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...er_offline.gif
Junior Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 38
http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...tation_pos.gif


Re: MIL continues to act out
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...s/viewpost.gif
she refuses to work and help out, so my son works 3 jobs to keep her and my grand daughter in label clothes, and I've been told that she spends thousands a month on clothing alone? I don't know if that's true...


My friend’s husband picked up extra work when their kids were young so that she could be home with the children. They, as a family, decided that it would be best for mom to be home. You don’t know if it’s true….but if he is working just to pay for clothes, how is that any of your business? It’s not your problem. If it was your problem, you should do something about it. Should you confront your dil about their finances and the type of clothes they wear? How do you think that’d go? Better yet, why don’t you discuss it with your son? Why don’t you tell him that he’s working in vain. All of those extra hours are meaningless. Thus, his life is worthless. Let me know how this goes for you.
You gossip about your dil. You obviously don’t like her. Still, are you willing to do what you need to do in order to have a sound relationship with your son and granddaughter?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...s/viewpost.gif
1st….I sent my DIL a birthday card b/c it's what I do…I certainly wouldn't think of sending my grand daughter and my son a card and leaving her out…I couldn't do that. It would be a very vindictive and hurtful thing to not send her something. It was her birthday, and no, I didn't expect it to change anything. I will be honest and tell you, that I really didn't know if I should, but in the end, I decided to do what I normally would do.
2. We were raised to believe that giving money gifts is much better then giving a gift, that way the person can buy what they want or need with the money. Right or wrong, I don't want to get into a debate of which that it's wrong to send money…b/c that would be insulting my parents and I'd get upset about that. Some people send gifts…I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's simply what we do.


This is exactly what I would expect my mil to say. You took thought and time in your answer. You even numbered it! The card was completely rhetorical. You don’t get it! The rhetoric offended your dil. Tell me, did you send a note with it or did you just sign your name? You obviously did something to make your dil angry. She went as far as to send it back to you. You definitely made her very, very angry because she substantiated her issue enough to offer a postal stamp. She’s screaming out to you! She does not want you in their lives and she’s mad. The ball is not in her court, it’s in yours. My mil is a lost cause. The only reason that I am writing to you is because you’re in agony. I truly hope and believe that you would like to make things better. Is your son your only child? What’s the deal?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...s/viewpost.gif
I know she has hated me from day one


This is what you have in common with LL. Day 1 hate. I'm sorry that this happened. My opinion may mean nothing. This is too serious.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...s/viewpost.gif
told the truth about what my DIL did to me, how she treated me….when my son wasn't within ear shot

I missed this. What did she do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...s/viewpost.gif
one must communicate and talk…even if another doesn't always agree, it's a way to get different perspectives and advice…and a very good way to self examine, which is where I believe a lot of productive answers come from.

Absolutely. Tell us about your last conversation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cremebrulee http://www.friendsandfamilyforum.com...s/viewpost.gif
my DIL views this as a sort of love triangle…with my son in the middle. Two women fighting over one man

Absolutely. Too often, I’ve realized that my mil is the other woman. This dual-loyalty is wrong and has to end. Left unattended, this issue will explode. It has for me. I suppose it all comes down to your beliefs. I believe, at marriage, a man is to leave his mother and cleave to his wife. However, there are religions that strongly differ.

I’m sure you don’t like me. You have many similarities to my mil. If you are willing to continue this discussion, I would advise that you start a new thread. My responses to you do not seem to be in accordance to this thread. LL’s issues appear to involve alcoholism, drug abuse, physical safety, and implied marital issues. In-law issues can surely lead to the latter issues, but let's stick to the fundamentals, ok? Her issues are extremely, lawfully serious. When those issues are at hand, it’s a no-brainer.


I have so much to say, but I fear that it may be useless in this thread. You hate your dil. What will ever change?

Cremebrulee October 16th, 2009 08:00 AM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
My son is working to provide the farm that she found and wanted, the horses, food, heating bills, clothing, beauty shops, nails, etc. And I think it is important for a mother to stay home and raise her children if she can. They have one child, who is now in school full time. Your right, I agree, it's none of my business…however, he's been working 3 jobs for 12 years, and that didn't provide enough money, so he's left the country and taken a very dangerous job in a war zone, to make a lot of money so he can provide his family with all their wants and needs.

While I sound like your MIL, please keep in mind, I am not, and you are not my DIL… and are not aware of the entire story. She and I were friends, until they were married…I went there for a visit and she turned like day and night. Her and her sister were very nasty to me when he wasn't around and sweet when he was.

It’s not your problem. If it was your problem, you should do something about it.

No, it isn't my problem, it's my sons…who has no hobbies of his own, no down time of his own, he never gets to do anything on his own…after the 3 jobs, he does the shopping…he took care of the baby and changed her diapers, he does his own ironing, a lot of cooking and cleaning and laundry. Plus takes care of the horses. At least now, she will have to become more independent, which might be a great thing as far as they're marriage and appreciating him more? And he her, as well. I am not the only one who feels this way, his father and his two step brothers and step sister feel the same way as well.

Should you confront your dil about their finances and the type of clothes they wear? How do you think that’d go? Better yet, why don’t you discuss it with your son? Why don’t you tell him that he’s working in vain. All of those extra hours are meaningless.

My grand daughter won the best dressed kid in pre school…what do you think the teacher was trying to tell her? That she was making my GD a target. The kids mock her all the time…her mother passes it off as "oh they're just jealous". My DIL is absolutely stunning…she over dresses so much that she actually intimidates other girls her age. She always look like she just stepped off the cover of a magazine. And no, I cannot or will not discuss it with either one of them, it's something they're going to have to work out or learn on their own. She puts make up on a 7 year old…rouge, eye liner, lipstick??????? My DIL lives this grandiose soap opera life out of magazines…she is absolutely beautiful and believes her looks, clothes and body (she is constantly working out…which is a great thing, but I just wanted you to know), that her interests doesn't ever go beyond herself.

Thus, his life is worthless. Let me know how this goes for you.
I never said his life was worthless, but I do believe his life and hers could be much better if she'd help him out some. Yes, I do, and she gossips about me…we don't mean to talk about each other, but it's very frustrating and hurtful…do you gossip about your MIL? You don't do it b/c you mean her any ill will…you do it b/c your

hurt, angry and frustrated…everyone wants to be liked…no one likes rejection…

I don't dislike my DIL, I dislike her behavior sometimes…other times, she can be very congenial and fun to be around…but she refuses to show that side to me.

I have done everything in my power to try and make this work, for 13 years…never yelled at her, never talked to her the way she talks to me…and treated her like family…and so did every other member of our family. I was ecstatic to have a DIL, and was proud of my son's pick…never, ever did I think in a million years this would happen. And by the way, my son's life is not worthless….he adores his wife, and I'm very happy that he has experienced real true love, being a husband and father.



This is exactly what I would expect my mil to say.

While it may be, I am not your MIL? And yes, an older generation is going to think and talk some what alike…

You took thought and time in your answer. You even numbered it!

No, I didn't, It's what I think, feel and believe, and it's how I talk, I always say, #1, #2, when I'm explaining something. Please do not try and second guess someone you don't know, or look for the negative b/c I am a MIL.

The card was completely rhetorical. You don’t get it! The rhetoric offended your dil. Tell me, did you send a note with it or did you just sign your name?

Yes, I do get it…I sent the card knowing full well she might return it…and there was a time, I wasn't going to send one…but, as I said before, I wasn't raised to be vindictive, or to seek revenge…I could not send my son and GD a card without sending her one…in my book that would be an awful thing to do. "I wished her a very happy birthday, and hoped she'd celebrate the whole year through". I wrote something like "Birthdays are for Celebrating, here's wishing you a great day and celebration throughout the year". And please, don't pick apart how I write. It's me, it's who I am.

You obviously did something to make your dil angry. She went as far as to send it back to you. You definitely made her very, very angry because she substantiated her issue enough to offer a postal stamp.

Yes, I did, I am the mother of her husband…whom I have very little contact with since they were married…I am the Grand mother of their daughter, who used to send all kinds of gifts, clothes, etc…until I found out she was throwing them away.

I would love to know what I did, other then being his mother to cause her to be so cruel….it started immediately upon my first visit down there to see them…

My son's friend's told me, when my DIL and son were dating, they talked fondly of me all the time…they told her what a great cook I was, and what a great mother and friend I'd been to all of them. How I would take them everywhere, even on weekend trips…we had a great time. My son, was a people magnet, and everyone

loved him…he hung around with both boys and girls, while they were all good friends, the girls dated others and married. They were at the house a lot to. They still come and visit and keep in touch and invite me to their parties. They told me, they think my DIL is cruel and unthinking, and these are his male friends….they could see from the very beginning that she was demanding. She owns my son, and my GD and no one gets in unless she says so….

She’s screaming out to you! She does not want you in their lives and she’s mad.

Oh Absolutely she doesn't and hasn't since they were married. That's when it all started…she was withdrawn and very quiet while they were dating…everyone of his friends say that. I don't live near them, so, I only got to see them maybe twice a year if that. And that's ok…and fine by me, but what I didn't understand for a long time is why she kept being nasty to me? Snappy and aloof. But I finally realized, she didn't want me in their lives…and yes, it is very painful…but it is what it is. Nothing will ever change it.

Cremebrulee October 16th, 2009 08:00 AM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
I realize now, if you want to work things out with someone, you sit down and discuss it with them, she has never wanted to and never tried, and when I tried once, she started yelling at me before I could finish a sentence. I went into a shock mode when she started yelling at me, I'm not at all used to that. We, our family never fought…I never heard my mom and dad fight…we had opinions and we were allowed to express them…my mother always treated my father's family like hers….whenever they came for a visit, my mother made it like a holiday…she set up an itinerary to take them site seeing, planned a big picnic so the entire family could spend time together, from both sides…this to me is so alien….so wrong.

I mean, can you even begin to imagine how much this is hurting my son? Any spouse whose better half, doesn't get along with his family, has got to be hurting…and we don’t drink, or do drugs ever.

She is always welcome in my home, my door is never closed. There is much you don't know or understand about her…how she was raised…and what happened to her….

Yes, the deal is, my son is my only child…wish I could have had more children, but could not…was lucky to have him…

I am not a clingy mother, never have been…I have worked since I was 13 years old, and am very independent and a bit of a loner…actually my friends get a little frustrated with me, b/c I love to go places by myself, and be on my own now. I used to be a big party gal…dinner parties, etc…very sociable and lots of friends both young and old. But I don't know, I'm still working full time and really love my down time and solitude. I encouraged my son to travel and gain as much knowledge both scholastically and life experiences….I kept telling him how it's so important to be independent, and taught him how to shop, iron, clean and do laundry, plus cook. He went into the military and I encouraged that…before that, he went to live with his father, and I encouraged that…he was at the age that a son needs to know his father and have a man's influence.

When he went on his honey moon, he called me, and I said, "ohhhh boy, this is not good…and suggested he call me when he returned and tell me all about it, but this was his time with his wife"

Would I like things to be different…sure I would, I miss him and she and I are missing out on so much, things being this way…and I'm certain if my DIL would give me half a chance, she'd realize I'm not the threat to her she always thought I was. You see, her mother abandoned them…she never had the close relationship of family. My DIL went thru things no one should have to go thru…as a matter of fact, sometimes I ponder if deep down, I represent her mother, and that is why she hates me so much? I dunno, sure can't read her mind.

But, yes, the ball is in her court. After She returned the card, it finally hit me…not that I haven't thought about it, but was likely in denial…yes, she has never wanted me in their lives…and, I was warned when she became pregnant and told, by two people, they feared she would use my GD to hurt me. Since My son has gone
away to work, she has only had my GD call me once. I fear calling her, though I would have to call my DIL's cell phone, and when I've called her in the past in the past 13 years, she has never answered nor returned calls.

I will never ever be nasty to her…and never ban her from my life…but things will never change…she's made it clear…so, I'm not going to try any longer. I can guarantee you, when they are in the area, if my son comes for a visit, she will refuse to come…she did that before in the very beginning…and my son and I were spending time together for one day, when they came home…but she didn't like that I guess, b/c she started to pretend to tolerate me, hence giving her more control of the visits, where we go, what we do…and how long they are.

I loved my DIL…and to tell you the truth…I was so excited when my son found her and told me he was giving her a ring. I thought he'd never get married….and thought he was being to picky? He never dated anyone very long. And boy, when he told me he was going to ask her to marry him, it was one of the most memorable days in my life. So, please, don't tell me I hate her, I haven't and never will…am I hurt, yes, do I become angry at times, yes…now, I'm no longer angry, I'm just exhausted of the entire thing.

One more thing, I don't dislike you, I don't even know you…

dendah October 16th, 2009 09:11 AM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
It's clear that this is upsetting you.I will suggest, you just let things be,, for now. Trying too hard make thing worse sometimes. MIL and DIL relationship is very complicated one, one between the 2 must really "swallow the bullet" though it hurts so much for the sake of this poor man stuck in between and the innocent GD. Though I am not a MIL, my mother is and I can understand where you coming from. You said you are exhausted of all this, just let things be,,these people who come to you and talk to you about her,, they are not helping the situation at all,, try and avoid them.

One day things will be okay between the 2 of you.

Cremebrulee October 16th, 2009 12:53 PM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by dendah (Post 30897)
It's clear that this is upsetting you.I will suggest, you just let things be,, for now. Trying too hard make thing worse sometimes. MIL and DIL relationship is very complicated one, one between the 2 must really "swallow the bullet" though it hurts so much for the sake of this poor man stuck in between and the innocent GD. Though I am not a MIL, my mother is and I can understand where you coming from. You said you are exhausted of all this, just let things be,,these people who come to you and talk to you about her,, they are not helping the situation at all,, try and avoid them.

One day things will be okay between the 2 of you.

Hello Dendah,
I have contact with my son, and when he was home, he made certain my GD phoned me....we talk every week via web cam....he is doing ok...I didn't tell him about the returned card...he doesn't need that on his mind. Maybe she did? Doesn't matter...I don't intend to talk to him about anything any longer, and haven't for a long time...there is nothing anyone can do unless she comes forward and decides all this is silly...

Its not in me to hold a grudge....don't even get angry any more about it...have just accepted it. I'm willing, but it takes two...and she will never change her mind. This way, she has total control.

One of the girls I work with is her age...she has two young children...she asked about the situation...she was hoping it had changed...I told her no, and about the card...she said, "Do you see now that this is what she has wanted from the very beginning, if she didn't, she would have never sent back the card, and #2. she told me, she would have never treated me the way she did.

This woman used to erase phone messages and emails from people, that tried to contact my son...they told me about it, so it wasn't just me.

You say MIL & DIL relationships are complicated...to be honest...I never heard of this stuff until it happened to me...never knew anyone it happened to. Oh, I've heard of minor problems...but nothing even close to this. I know there are many DIL's who have contrary jealous MIL's. It's such a shame.

I feel very badly for anyone DIL's and MIL's who go thru this. It's a horrible way to live.

I hope your mother has been able to resolve any problems...it takes two willing people to do so.

Hugs
Creme

LadyLove October 17th, 2009 03:44 PM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
I resent Seeking Sensibility for saying that I started off with hate toward my MIL. Since day one.

I posted this comment in respsonse to the same remark that you left in my latest thread. I am reposting it here:

Actually, you are wrong. At least, you are when it comes to my issue. MIL and I never did start out on the right foot but there was never any hate on my part. I remember asking my future MIL out to dinner because sitting down and having a hearty conversation with her was important to me. Especially since my husband and I were planning our wedding. All throughout our courtship, MIL has no interest in meeting me. So, we finally met about two months before the wedding! :eek: My hubby and I were dating for a while by then but it took his mother that long to come around.

My invitations to dinner went ignored. Many times. Finally, she said to my hubby "JUST BRING HER TO THE BAR". At that point, I realized that she was not accepting of the fact that he was going to marry me. From all places on earth, a bar, OR "their bar", was not the place where I wanted to meet my MIL. It seemed so strange to choose a bar as a meeting place. I could imagine pushing my way through a crowded bar full of smoke just to see MIL. I decided not go. It wasn't ideal to me.

I met her at her home, in the evening, when she was just about to go to bed. Her hair was full of curlers. She was angry with my husband for bringing me by YET she knew that he was going to introduce us that night. So, he told her that she should have waited until we met to get read for bed.

So, please explain to me what did I do wrong in the beginning? Trying hard does not make me a hateful person. Not trying at all, like MIL, was a small indication that she did not like me, or want to like me. At the time, I never thought about hate.

Hateful feelings may develop over years of constant misunderstandings, abuse, lack of communication, etc. I do not think that you understand where I am coming from and I am sorry that you cannot relate because, if you did, then maybe you would not be so quick to judge in the way that you are. :rolleyes:


What is your relationship like with your in-laws? :confused: PERFECT? :rolleyes:

KayKay October 17th, 2009 08:34 PM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
LL, I read Seeking Sensibilities comment differently than you did.

Creme had commented about her DIL:
Quote:

I know she has hated me from day one
Seeking Sensibility responded with:
Quote:

This is what you have in common with LL. Day 1 hate. I'm sorry that this happened. My opinion may mean nothing. This is too serious.
I did not take that to mean that Seeking Sensibility is saying that YOU hated your IL's from Day 1. I took the comment to mean that, like Creme's DIL, your IL's have hated you from Day 1.

Seeking Sensibility has a thread of her own where she has discussed her IL problems if you are interested in her story:



Like you, she has also tried very hard to have a good relationship with her IL's.

Cremebrulee October 18th, 2009 10:22 AM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
Hi Lady Love
I have to agree with KayKay...I don't think she meant you at all when making that statement. It was directed at me and me alone.

I don't know if this will help you or if I'm right...but, I think what bothers us most of all is, we can't talk to these people...your inlaws, my DIL, and confront the problem, discuss it, and move on. They won't allow us to, so it never gets resolved or better for us.

Somehow, you and I are going to have to accept the problem as it is...and move on...b/c this way LL, your beating yourself up, as I was to and still do have a tendency to do so. It's never ending and the hurt is like someone is ripping your heart out...but...we must move on.

In your case you have to believe you've tried everything and there is just nothing you can do to fix these people. I know you feel if you could fix it, you would also make your husband very happy....but when people are addicted to drugs, alchole, and mean ness...there is nothing to be done.

You first have to understand, that people like my DIL...your inlaws...cannot and will never admit they are wrong, and to talk to you about it, would be admitting they are....they will never assume responsiblity for their mistakes...and deep in their soul of souls, I truly believe they know they're wrong...that is why they won't discuss it....hence, the moment I tried to talk to my DIL about it...she started yelling at me...never ever did I expect that...but she didn't want to hear it, let alone discuss it and that is why she interrupted and turned it right back on me. "YOU HURT ME". That's all she kept saying...I wish, now, I wouldn't have been so shocked by her behavior and said to her, "What did I do, how did I hurt you?"

To show you how manipulative these people are....my grand daughter had a cat...she was 5, and it died. We were riding in the car, and my grand daughter proceeded to go thru this whole disortation of begging daddy for another cat...it was so grown up and rehearsed...I knew she had been coached...and that, to me is scary. But people like your inlaws...my DIL are and have to be manipulative to get results...and that's all they care about, is results...they were not raised to be compassionate, to forgive, to work things out....they pretty much adopted their own characters along the way, acccording to how they were raised...and you cannot fix or change culture unless those people themselves can admit they have a problem and then seek help.

Seeking Sensibility October 21st, 2009 12:59 AM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by KayKay (Post 30924)
Seeking Sensibility has a thread of her own where she has discussed her IL problems if you are interested in her story:


Dear KayKay, Thanks for your reference to my thread. Actually, I cringe at the thought of reading the content of my raw mil issues. I would not want to impose that thread on anyone, but if I received a fresh perspective, I’d appreciate it. I don’t want to even think about all of the things that my mil has done because poop only stinks more when you stomp on it. This is why this forum is a double-edged sword. It helps me to talk about these issues, but it brings up too many reminders. Nonetheless, I have always appreciated your replies.

Seeking Sensibility October 21st, 2009 02:12 AM

Re: New Thread for Seeking Sensibility
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cremebrulee (Post 30895)
She puts make up on a 7 year old…rouge, eye liner, lipstick???????

I, too, would have a problem with this. This is a tough one.

Creme, as for everything else, I know that you are not my mil. Your son changed diapers, kudos to him! Yet, you make it sound like he did it because your dil was useless. Really, she does nothing? I have no doubt that my mil believes that my husband works his fanny off just to please me. I have no doubt that my mil will say that I don’t do enough. I have no doubt that my mil is scared silly at this time while she is getting old. I have no doubt that she feels that all her boys, including my husband, would be more beneficial to her if they were unattached. I have no doubt that my mil is extremely jealous of me because I am given attention that she feels that she so rightfully deserves, especially during her golden years!
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cremebrulee (Post 30895)
I have done everything in my power to try and make this work, for 13 years…never yelled at her, never talked to her the way she talks to me…and treated her like family…and so did every other member of our family. I was ecstatic to have a DIL, and was proud of my son's pick…never, ever did I think in a million years this would happen.

My husband’s mother, too, was pleased with her son’s pick. For goodness sake, she pressured my husband. At that time in her life, I was perfect for her. It is and always has been about her.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cremebrulee (Post 30895)
I have done everything in my power to try and make this work, for 13 years…

Nope
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cremebrulee (Post 30895)
I would love to know what I did, other then being his mother to cause her to be so cruel…


This is where it’s time to pull up the sleeves. Do you really want to know?
Quote:

Originally Posted by Cremebrulee (Post 30895)
"YOU HURT ME". That's all she kept saying...I wish, now, I wouldn't have been so shocked by her behavior and said to her, "What did I do, how did I hurt you?"


You can still ask her this question. You obviously hurt her. You may not think that you did anything to hurt her, but she does. It’s all about perception. If she perceives that you have hurt her, then it is real in her mind. It’s her reality. This makes it real. Thus, it is your reality and you a hurting, too, as a result. Reach out to her. Tell her that you are sorry that you hurt her. Be real. Be sincere. If you really mean it, she should feel it at some level. Be open. Let her talk. She obviously has so much to say, be willing to listen.

Remember what you said, you are not my mil….you can do this!

Y'know, an issue came up recently about my mil. My 17-year old son knows that I do no like grandma. We still had an issue to discuss. I told my son that it does not matter to me how he feels about me. My greatest concern is about the type of man he will be ten years from now. I care more about the man, worker, husband, and father that he will be later than I care about how he cares about his mother. I mean it!


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:26 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.3
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2007, The BlueSparks Network