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LucyVanPelt August 13th, 2018 08:13 PM

When do you stop supporting "the dream."
My DB is middle-aged. He has just quit another job. He has bad credit, no property, and can't stay at one job long enough to be eligible for a pension.

He's got an opportunity to chase his "dream." Again. No real future in it unless he hits the big time. I don't know if this is his last effort, or if he'll be dreaming forever.

When do you stop supporting a dream and say it's time to just work?

Annsdil August 14th, 2018 10:21 AM

Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."
Providing you aren't financially supporting him I'd say just let him get on with it. He's an adult and maybe he needs to fail big time for him to come to the realisation that he needs to give up the dream.

LucyVanPelt August 14th, 2018 07:31 PM

Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."

Originally Posted by Annsdil (Post 86330)
He's an adult and maybe he needs to fail big time for him to come to the realisation that he needs to give up the dream.

This has happened several times, but he's still at it. Maybe he'll make it to the big time after all?

But, other than moral support, I'm not contributing anything anymore so I just said, "Good luck!"

rattlesnake August 21st, 2018 05:18 AM

Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."
It is frustrating as a parent to see your grown child do this, whether you offer any financial support, or not. My DS works hard, does not usually quit his jobs, but was fired from 3 different ones in 2016 and has been fired from others. Of course I never know the full reasons, only the bits and pieces he shares, but knowing my DS it is not that hard to figure out. He often tells the boss he knows more than he or she does (maybe directly or indirectly but the message gets through and is not appreciated). In addition to that, he is extremely forgetful (has ADHD, though it has never been formally diagnosed). This causes distractions, forgetfulness, and mistakes.

Because my DS has kids, I admit to "enabling" him to live beyond his means and "helping" him financially to the extreme as I fully believe he would have lost his house and the generous custody agreement he has with his children, if I had not given him all that financial help. Losing custody might seem like a stretch but he had utilities shut off and no heat in his home in the winter at one point, so yes I can see that could happen though he never had the kids staying in the home when the utilities were off, and I quickly "remedied" his situation.

He has recently gotten married and it seems to have solved much of MY financial dilemma though I have no doubt the two of them will have plenty of financial battles. She seems to like finer things, as well. Together, they have what I would consider reasonable income to make ends meet, but I see battles ahead and know they have already had some. She likely has no idea just how much I "helped" him but she does know I helped some and I think she wants him to cut that tie as it is made clear they don't want my financial help for anything, which is fine with me!

Recent example is they make these plans in advance to travel to her home state, or somewhere else, but then as time gets near, they realize they can't afford it and cancel. My DS NEVER cancelled this stuff before he married her. It seemed he would go ahead with it, but just not pay something else, like car insurance, utilities, whatever! And of course when I would discover that, I'd pay the important bills, because you know, he had to keep things up for his kids! It was a vicious cycle of frustration for sure, and I know my enabling never taught him a thing, even though there is more to this and yes I did take some measures that were meant to help him become more responsible and do better. (All my efforts failed though)

All we can do is empathize with each other. I think it is hard as parents to stand by and watch our kids screw up, because we wonder if we did something wrong to cause it. I know I feel this way sometimes but try not to. I have two very successful independent daughters. I did my best with all of them, and I'm sure you did your best too, Lucy. They live their own lives and we have to let go of it. Easier said than done and I don't think I'm a good example of practicing what I'm preaching here. But you are heard and I do empathize.

PeeWeeMomOf3 August 29th, 2018 01:50 PM

Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."
I agree that if you aren't helping your DB financial then this is one of those things that you should probably do like you are doing - the moral support. Are you able to have a frank discussion with him about the same topic - what does plan B look like? Can DB pursue the dream and also keep a "day job" or night job depending on what the dream vocation is?

It's one of those things where you hear stories of some people who became successful later in life, thinking of the actors Samuel L Jackson and Kathryn Joosten, the author JK Rowling, musicians like Sheryl Crow and Bill Withers. It's always possible. They kept at it.

LucyVanPelt August 29th, 2018 02:32 PM

Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."
I'll keep that in mind when his debt collectors call me, Pee Wee Mom of 3. :D

It's great to see you back. I hope you are well!

snafu September 29th, 2018 05:55 PM

Re: When do you stop supporting "the dream."
any update?

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