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Mr Eko June 25th, 2018 08:21 AM

Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
I am currently witnessing a situation the likes of which I have NEVER seen before. In fact, not even an online search yields any results, and that is really saying something. Basically, my brother's ex-wife and his new wife are friends. Like really really good friends. They did not know one another previously or anything like that. This friendship has happened ever since my brother married his present wife. Now, my brother did know his new wife while he was still married to his ex-wife. He swears up and down, left and right that they were not involved. But, I think that that is not true in the least. I think he was seeing her. But, that's just my gut feeling. Anyway, it's just weird to me that his his ex-wife and his present wife have bonded like this. I have never even heard of such a thing. My brother is very nonchalant about it. I don't think he is wild about the idea, but he isn't exactly objecting to it either. I would be a nervous wreck if I were him. His ex-wife has a TON of dirt on him. His abusiveness being just one of the many things that destroyed that marriage. Yet he does not worry about them ever discussing that.

In fact, he does not worry about anything. He thinks that it's normal. My brother and his ex-wife do have kids and so some contact is still necessary. But that's just it. It should be my brother and her in contact, and even then it should be more like a business arrangement. This deal where her and my brother's new wife have bonded and have become gal pals is just strange to me, and that is putting it lightly. Curiosity got the better of me, so recently I asked my now ex-sister-in-law about it at my oldest niece's birthday party. One answer I got was "well, we are living in a different time now, so it's very normal for ex spouses and new spouses to become good friends". I completely disagree. That is not normal at all. She also gave a very superficial answer. She said said "well, you know, I don't have friends anymore. The only people I knew were couple friends that your brother and I knew, and when we got divorced, they quit talking to me. So she's really the only friend I have". I just shook my head.

I asked her if it ever felt weird at any point in time, hanging out with this woman who now lives in her old house, cooks in her old kitchen using her old utensils, sleeping in her old bed with her former husband. She didn't even have to think about it. She just said "no, it's not weird to me at all". I then got a little nosy and asked if they ever discussed and/or compared the two marriages to my brother and she said yes. She said that she has told my brother's new wife that her marriage to my brother was great. He was the best husband and father that anyone could have asked for and he is the love of her life. I was absolutely speechless. I then said "well, if that was the case (which we both know it most certainly was not), then why on earth did you leave?? Why aren't you still there??" Her reply was "well, because, ultimately the marriage just did not work out". Ok, but, WHY did the marriage just "not work out".

At any rate, I am just baffled. This kind of thing isn't normal, is it? Am I totally missing something? Are ex-spouses and new spouses really bonding now? I personally don't like it one bit because it is sending a really bad message to my nieces. They see the three of them together and think that it's perfectly acceptable to play spouse swap. I think that this is screwing them up. My mother fears that they have some type of three way thing going. I don't think that is the case yet, but it is probably headed that way. And my brother's new wife thinks that his ex-wife is "good as gold". She doesn't stop and think that both of them can't be these awesome people. Their marriage imploded, so someone had to have done something wrong. Or, she probably just doesn't want to know. It's crazy. Anyway, any thoughts on this?

KayKay June 25th, 2018 09:35 AM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
Well, I don't think it's common, but I also don't think it's as bad of a thing as you do. My sister was introduced (in a "y'all should date" way) to her now-husband by a friend who was in the process of becoming his ex-wife. It was an amicable divorce (no kids involved) and they are all still friendly and socialize.

I really see two sides to it, to be honest. On one hand, if your brother doesn't change his ways and continues to be abusive, his new wife will have a much needed confidante. On the other hand, maybe the old wife really isn't over your brother and is trying to stay close in hopes of getting him back if this marriage goes south. The part I find interesting is that your brother is still in their old house, and the ex-wife moved out. That makes me think that the divorce wasn't your brother's fault. As much dirt as his ex-wife has on him, he may have more on her. It's really hard to say without knowing the people, but since you know the people I'd say your instincts are probably good.


Originally Posted by Mr Eko (Post 86188)
I personally don't like it one bit because it is sending a really bad message to my nieces. They see the three of them together and think that it's perfectly acceptable to play spouse swap.

I don't know about this, either. I think kids of divorce benefit SO much when the parents can all be civil to each other. Depending on the ages of the girls, I doubt they see it as "spouse swap". Kids don't tend to focus on their parents' sexual activities. :p It's far better for them if there is no jealousy and they don't become pawns parents use to hurt each other. I can imagine it's much less stressful for them if the three parents are friends.

Mr Eko June 25th, 2018 09:49 AM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
Well, by spouse swap, I wasn't referring to the kids actually knowing about sexual activities. I just meant that they see this and think that mommy just handed over her family to this new woman and walked out. When they get older, and if they marry, I want them to treat marriage sacred. If that's even possible, who knows. Also, my ex-sister-in-law just swears that my brother was the best husband in the world and the marriage just failed. How can that be? I mean, even if she was totally at fault, then there still had to have been something wrong in the marriage for her to have left. Me and my family know the real story, yet my brother and his two women recite this made up garbage about how the marriage was wonderful. It's crazy. Plus, I have heard from others that the two females kind of gaze at one another like there is something romantic there. Come to think of it, I can't even imagine why my brother even married her. She just appears to be a plaything for his ex-wife. If in fact, that is what they are doing. If his ex-wife did in fact "change sides" so to speak, then wouldn't it be better if she got her own girlfriend, rather than her ex-husband's new wife? I don't know. The whole thing is just bizarre...

snafu June 28th, 2018 06:18 PM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
My current DH and my ex would chat at my DS's games - I always felt awkward

(so glad that DH being in my life got ex to stop a lot of his BS)

rattlesnake July 1st, 2018 12:00 AM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
I would say it is not common, but not that rare for the ex and new wife to be friends. But I think you are starting to see this may be more like a three way thing, and your brother, whom you know to be abusive is enjoying the whole scene and it may very well be that these two women have low self-worth and have convinced themselves this whole scene is a good thing.

If they were just friends, I would say more power to them, and agree that is better for the kids. But based on what you wrote, I have a tendency to agree with you that something sounds weird and a little over the top. But it is their business and if they all say they are happy with the circumstances, there is nothing you can or should do.

This actually does remind me of an ex wife and new wife that I know, who are seemingly "best friends." I am friends with them both too, but more like casual friends, not close close friends. At least I know the husband was not involved with the new wife while married to wife #1 since the friendship started years after the divorce. His ex wife remarried too, and the two couples are all very close and vacation together, etc. Yes, I think it is a little weird, but to each their own I guess.

JemStar July 13th, 2018 07:43 PM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
wo ho I wouldn't mind being "faux" buds with my replacement. Just to listen to what she has to say. In my head, I am quiet, just nodding yes, and being understanding when she unloads the "oh GOD, what have I done?" sort of talk

I would really like that :)

cloudnine March 10th, 2020 11:30 AM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
It is not common, but there are people who do this for the sake of the kids

Cremebrulee April 5th, 2020 07:01 AM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
no, your right, it isn't normal, but it has been done by people. My son's father and I were best friends in high school. He was there for me keep me from running away after graduation, he asked me to marry I did, we were young and surely did not understand the pro's and con's of love.

Fast forward, the marriage did not work out, he loved me more than I would ever be capable of loving him, and knew that I could not give him what he I left him...

He met a lovely woman and we became friends, both attending all my son's sports affiliated games, and we'd talk....and she was truly an outstanding lady....I told her once, that I would be very proud to have her as my son's step mother, and she cried and hugged me, and I would have...I don't say what I don't mean....

Unfortunately, my ex didn't chose her, but I bet, in some ways, he wishes he had...the woman he met and married was (her) best friend who sunk her hooks into him. You see, he was very wealthy and the new woman knew it.
So did the gal I liked so much, but she wasn't a gold digger.

People do things and feel the way they do, not for one reason but for, there isn't a one size fits all answer....I wish for the children's sake, people would put aside their jealousy, their bad feelings for each other and just behave like grown adults instead of using the children to hurt each other....the relationship you speak of, is not unheard of....

I have always wished my son's father great happiness....we just were not a good fit...nothing in common, but, very good friends....nothing more. He was like a brother to me...loyal, a down to earth really nice person...who wanted to help his girlfriend, many years ago...there are different kinds of love, and not all are the husband and wife kind...I still do love him, even after all these years...

aminoapple November 30th, 2020 07:41 AM

Re: Is it normal for an ex-wife and a new wife to bond?
I think there is nothing wrong with that, it's even great especially if there are kids involved.

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