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Becky November 7th, 2008 02:29 PM

Daughter dating a 'loser'
I'm new here, and found this forum trying to figure out why my daughter is doing what she's doing! She is 25, and has a 'history' of dating 'losers'. Her last one was 6 years ago, and ended up with her having my grandsons, who is the love of my life. They have lived with me since she found out she was pregnant. She seemed to be getting her life together-had a full time job at a school, bought a vehicle, was going to school to eventually get her teaching degree. Whew! I thought she finally had her life figured out. Was I wrong. Early in September, she met this guy-who I know now she was lying about...job/schooling etc. etc. They went 'out'-she was the one to drive (she said she 'didn't mind', then I found it it was because he has no car!) a total of 3 times! Within 2 weeks, she stormed out of here, took her son, and is living with this guy. I have since found out that besides having no car, he has no job, which to me obviously means no money, no grandson says he sits home and plays video games! He's 32. I have also found out she has quit her schooling among other things. This has totally ripped our relationship apart. Why would she do this? I think it's a total lack of self esteem, even though I've done everything I could do through the years to help her with that-I guess I didn't do enough. I've gone from complete anger to 'what did I do wrong' to I don't want to talk to her-the complete gamut of emotions. I don't know what to do next. Do I just leave her alone? Actually, she won't talk to me anyway! I have a real 'gut' feeling that he is 'abusing' her-maybe not physically, but emotionally. I can find NOTHING good that 'HE' has brought to her life, and I don't see why she insists on staying.
Okay, that's enough! Thanks for letting me vent!

Mandee November 8th, 2008 08:16 AM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
Hi Becky.

I'm sorry I have no answers for you, but I can sympathize! I have a 24 year old daughter who only dates the loser type you describe.

I know how you feel being angry and then wondering what you did wrong and then back to not even wanting to talk to your daughter. I've been there like a roller coaster!

I don't know if just leaving your daugther alone will help or not. It didn't help with my situation if I left her alone or bugged her off-and-on or constantly!

All I know is, we really want our adult children to get a good solid future going so we can settle back and relax a bit. And when we see them going down a path to nowhere it's upsetting. We also want to be happy for our children, yet when they choose paths that lead to nowhere we don't think they are going to end up happy so that's upsetting too. Then to top that off, when our adult children don't seem to care that they are going nowhere we end up lost for words to explain, even to ourselves, how we feel.

We fear all sorts of things when we don't understand why our daughters would get a relationship going with a loser. Even the emotional abuse thing has been in my mind as well. You have an additional fear since your grandson is involved.

Anyway, like I said. I'm in your shoes so I have no answers! :confused: Just wanted to offer support.

Becky November 8th, 2008 02:00 PM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
Hi Mandee,
Thanks for the support! I have read your story, and it sounds SO familiar! I just wish I knew what the answer was. My daughter, too, sounds so Jekyll/Hyde-what's with that? She is the nicest person ever when she's NOT with these 'losers'. I told her once, it's like she's 'possessed', and I'm in some kind of science fiction movie. I told her this time that she should go to some kind of counseling to find out WHY she seems to attract this kind of person, and how to change that. She agreed, but then said, 'I won't leave him though...' Well, that kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it! I am convinced he is very controlling-she's done too many things since she's been with him that have proven that to me. Her son (5) is staying with me this week end. She actually will allow that-assuming she will answer her email with me asking-that is never a sure thing. Anyway, he told me last night-out of the blue-that 'they were fighting again last night...' I hate to see him in that environment, but there's nothing I can do. I do know this is not her 'Prince Charming' like she thought he was. I can't stand the lies either-she knows the truth will come out sooner or later. I'm sure 'he' doesn't want her to leave since SHE is the one with a vehicle, the only one with any kind of job, the one who is so easily controlled and manipulated. I want to know who's paying the rent, paying for groceries, just living day to day. She doesn't make enough herself, which is the reason they lived here. She was going to school to get her teaching degree...that's done...she quit. Honestly, I can think of NOTHING he has done that's been good for either her or my grandson. Your situation sounds about the helps to know I'm not alone, I guess.
I will wish you the best with your daughter, and mine. I hope they both can come to their senses and realize they do not deserve this-they deserve SO much better, and they WOULD get it if they didn't continue to 'settle' for much less.
I wish you luck!

Mandee November 8th, 2008 03:24 PM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
Oh, Becky I had to laugh at your 'possessed' remark! You think I haven't had that enter my mind as well?

The rest of what you said is exactly mine and daughter/daughter and loser guy's situation too...minus the child.

My daughter usually pretends to me her guy is prefect, but she finally ends up admitting they fight over things she says are none of my business - so I have no idea what she finds is worth fighting about. She ends up saying they worked it out and now all is fine though no matter what it was. I try to tell her so many disagreements at the beginning of a relationship should tell her to let it go! She won't hear of it.

Before my daughter met this guy she thought anyone who did drugs was a loser. This guy tells her he used to do all sorts of drugs but he's clean now...uh huh, I run a background check on him and find out he has a recent drug record! Just 2 misdemeanors for Pot and paraphenalia, but I showed it to daughter. Her answer, So what? Everyone makes mistakes.

I'd believe he might be off drugs if he wasn't constantly going without sleep and boucing off the walls all the time. She says if he was still doing any he's tell her because they have an honest relationship! I asked her why he didn't tell her he had a drug record. She went and asked him about it and he said, guess what? It wasn't his drugs.

Daughter also used to have nothing for anyone who would drink and drive. This guy came to our house for dinner so we could meet him and he drank 12 beers and a half a fifth of scotch in about 6 hours. He drank most of it toward the end and started slurring his speach, then he left after getting ticked off at me for offering him coffee and to sit for awhile. He was offended! You know he was over the legal limit to drive, but did my daughter think it was wrong for him to be out driving like that? Nope! She said he could hold it! She'd seen him drink more! And he was fine.

Where does her brain go when she's with this loser? An alternate universe?

She also has always had a dreaded fear of knives. This guy carries a huge fish gutting knife on his belt that has this keen thing where the sheath turns it into a switchblade function. Daughter has no qualms about his carrying it at all times. She feels safe. I don't.

I don't know if your daughter does this or not, but mine tells boyfriend everything I say about their relationship. She did the same thing with her last loser before this one. I think she bonds with them that way. Shared enemy.

Good luck with your daughter too! I hope both our daughters get their heads straight soon!

Becky November 8th, 2008 03:33 PM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
Can't write a lot now, but are you sure our daughters aren't one in the same?! :eek: It's incredible to read-I honestly had no idea there were 2 of these girls running around ruining their lives. Incredible. I will write more a little later.

Becky November 8th, 2008 06:10 PM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
I just can not get over how alike our daughters are. It's incredible. Yes, my daughter lies over and over about 'them' to make me think they are actually decent people until I find out otherwise. I didn't trust what she was telling me about this one from day 1, then I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt until I realized none of this makes any sense, and asked her too many questions, I guess. It was only a few days later that she stormed out. I don't think she's ever gone out with a 'decent' one-she has no idea what it would be like, how it could change her life-for the GOOD for a change.
I'm sure, too, that either 'HE' is reading her email that I send, or she tells him. I've never met him, and don't care to. She only knew him 2 weeks, and I didn't think it was necessary to have him over here that soon-then it all blew up anyway. I know the holidays are going to be hard for her-without family around. I will NOT invite him here-and she knows that. She gets so upset when I bring up the 'past', but I tell her, 'I wouldn't bring it up if you didn't insist on re-living it'. It's always the same thing over and over again. Will she ever learn? I am beginning to think not. I know, just from my grandson, that things are not 'good' there. You would think for her sons sake if nothing else, she'd leave, but she won't. I will never understand. She was not raised to do things like this. It is so Jekyll and Hyde with her-and I don't like who she is now at all.
I can't remember if you said, but what is your 'relationship' with your daughter now? She's still gone, right? Do you talk on the phone/email? I go from 'ripping' her because I am SO mad, to apologizing for whatever I can think of that I did, to begging, to you name it. Nothing gets through to her. I'm at the end of my rope not knowing where to go or what to do any more. When she's 'herself', we are best friends! We've had such good times together. But, when she's like 'this', I can't stand her. If I thought there was ' hope', it would be a little easier-I'm just afraid any 'hope' I had is gone.
Where do you live? I'm in Minnesota-if you are, I'm convinced it's something in the water here! Other than that, I have no clue what's happened to either of us.
Enjoy the rest of your week end-or try to.

KayKay November 8th, 2008 06:11 PM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
:wave: Hi Becky! I don't have anything to add... I just wanted to say hello and welcome. :)

Mandee November 8th, 2008 07:50 PM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
Becky, they do sound like twins! It could still be the water, but I live in Virginia. Does your daugther drink bottled water? :D

You asked how my relationship is with daughter. You said this....

....When she's 'herself', we are best friends! We've had such good times together. But, when she's like 'this', I can't stand her. If I thought there was ' hope', it would be a little easier-I'm just afraid any 'hope' I had is gone. ....

same here!

And I feel ya on that hope thing! I hate to give up hope that my daughter will end up having a happy life, but I do give up 5 minutes at a time it seems like and the next 5 minutes I'm back to hoping she'll stop this nonsense and trying to talk some sense into her.

My daughter has always been the sentimental sort. Holidays were a big for her. She celebrated all of them with decorations and wanting to help cook and find new recipes. It was always her idea to go overboard with it! But this year she has -abruptly each time and without warning each time- spent a total of Zero holidays here at home and that includes New Years Day, Easter and her birthday....although she did hang around on her birthday long enough to open her presents. I didn't know she was cutting out right after until it happened. And then she called and said she was spending the night at his parents house!

Where did she spend the holidays? I have no idea really, but she said his family doesn't do holidays. So she's hinting about him sharing Thanksgiving with us...but I'm like you...he's not welcome in my home! I don't like him, I think he's manipulating my daughter's emotions and I will not participate in helping them bond any further. I just can't! And he's not family, so why let him come eat?

He ate here that once and other than his drinking story I told, he was a jerk most of the time otherwise. He couldn't keep his hands off my daughter right in front of us! I complained and he turned it into tickling her..which she has always hated! Until he does it. And she has always been a women's libber type person, but he kept slamming down his empty beer bottle in front of her saying "Beer me!" And she did it. :eek:

Let me tell you how he showed up at our house to meet us. He had not bathed! His hair was beyond greasy and his clothes were so wrinkled...let me try to describe them for you because you can't imagine. I'm not talking about a little wrinkle here and there or like from wearing the clothes and they just get a wrinkle or two. They looked like you balled them up and twisted them real tight while they were wet and let them dry that way. And they were way too big for him! His shoes were ratty and he had this deep bottle opener on the sole! And he kept wanting to open my husband beer bottle and husband was like....uh, that's ok. The sole of his shoe! Who knows where that's been! And once he used the shoe opener he had to drag the mouth of the bottle out of that hole! Ewww!

By daughter will not walk out of the house unless her makeup and hair are perfect and her clothes and shoes are stylin'! I saw some pictures she'd taken from trips with this guy, and he is always a mess! I don't get it!

Daughter is still gone. She has called me every day this time, I don't know why it's different this time, but she has not called today even though she voluntarily told me yesterday she was going to call me again today, and it's 10:30PM right now so I figure she's avoiding it because she's not coming home tomorrow like she said and she's not 'ready' to inform me.

I really hate it when she says she's going to call and then doesn't. That's when I get really worried that she might be hurt. I mean, she's had all day and can't pick up the phone for one second after it was her idea to call? It's scary.

You know it's just odd both of us found this site within, what? A day of each other? Thanks for being here! I needed to talk, and I'm sorry you're going through what I am - only worse because of your grandson. :(

I guess I'll go to bed now and hope daughter is OK. I won't sleep well, because she said she was going to call. I sometimes suspect he slips drugs into her drinks...but that's another story.


Becky November 9th, 2008 08:58 AM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
Hi Mandee...
Where in Virginia? My son and daughter-in-law live in Fairfax. She's stationed in DC in the Air Force. I was just there for a week in October-I love it there! SO much to respond to, but have to be with my grandson for a while here-he will leave tomorrow-:(. I really hope you've heard from your daughter by now. I think 'worry' is my middle name, or should have been, so I know what you're going through.
I'm so glad we were 'brought' to this site at the same time-it's been a godsend to me for sure!
Catch you soon!

KayKay November 9th, 2008 09:16 AM

Re: Daughter dating a 'loser'
*Moderator Hat On*

Hi Ladies!

Please do not post too much personal information on the boards. Please send personal information via PM, okay?

These boards can be read by any nutcase who has access to the internet, and it's not a good idea to put too much personal info out there.

Thanks for your understanding.

*Moderator Hat Off*

I'm really glad that you have both found some help here. :D

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