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View Full Version : What to do about additional family ?


topsail5
May 20th, 2008, 03:52 PM
I have a 24 year old step daughter that i have raised for 10 years paid for her college and cars and inbetween. she started dating a guy who was in Drug rehab she met him through work then they moved in together i have tried to make her see his ways he still uses and has been unable to pay his part of the bills . They wanted to get married and i was totally upset but my wife said keep you mouth shut i did. We were planning the wedding here at the marina and reception at the club house. Last min change his parents cant come into the state of NC they have outstanding warrants for arrest ?
so WE move the wedding to SC 90 miles away for the felony family then they need money $$ again and sunday when i came home i find out she is preg, I was mad the wife tells me calm down the boy already has one child he is not supporting they are getting tossed from their appt due to his felony record
they have no insurance and cant take care of their own needs ,Why would i not be upset she has a college degree and seems to be totally dumb about this slack looser drug user non suport paying guy why am i the bad guy for not jumping for joy about a child at this point? anyone have any thoughts on this i would love to hear anything at all any ideas or any ways i should be looking at this? :confused: what to do ?? thank you for reading and i hope someone will shed some light here !

KayKay
May 20th, 2008, 04:14 PM
I'm really sorry for your pain topsail5. Unfortunately, your SD is an adult and she can make her own decision, no matter how wrong they are and how horribly she is ruining her life. :(

There are two things you can do. (1) No more money from you or your wife. Your SD is going to make these horrible decisions because she's an adult, and so as an adult she can live with the consequences. (2) Tell her that you love her and that if she ever needs your help turning her life around, to call and you will be there.

1dilwhosreal
May 20th, 2008, 04:35 PM
Do you think your SD is using, too? That would be a real shame, and I'd be doing an intervention and putting her in rehab.

Other than that, I agree with KayKay. Oh, and a nice, big wedding would be out of the question. Set that money aside for the child's needs.

Also, is your wife overjoyed or just tolerating the situation? It's really important that you be on the same page with this. A visit to an Al-Anon meeting might be helpful.

topsail5
May 20th, 2008, 05:07 PM
Yea i do agree today she claims they are going to stop smoking and he will stop smoking dope again, But i have gotten him 2 good jobs he lost due to
failing drug test, So again today i did the research and found that they both
make more than enough money and dont qualify for any help with the birth
so i guess its on them? its such a waist of talent she was so smart in school and wanted to do so much now i see her stuck in this for the rest of her life:( like it or not a child is a connection she will have with the felon family for ever !

KayKay
May 20th, 2008, 08:11 PM
I really understand your disappointment and frustration. I'd feel the same way in your shoes. Three things you have to do:

(1) Stop helping them... stop helping him find jobs (he is ruining your credibility by failing these drug tests)

(2) Stop checking up on them... she's 24 years old and entitled to privacy... you don't have the right to know how much money they make unless she tells you.

(3) Stop referring to his family as the Felony Family. Yes, it's clever and yes, I understand. You can certainly call them that here, but please... NOT in front of your SD or DW again. Okay? Bashing him just turns her farther away from you, sorry to say. :(

Keep posting. I can tell you need a place to vent and talk through this.

quietlife
May 21st, 2008, 06:47 AM
I totally agree with KayKay.

It's a sad situation and hard to tolerate, but the best thing to do is bite your tongue and let her know you and your wife still love her.

She will eventually see the light. Thank goodness she has a good education because she is going to need it to secure employment good enough to support herself and her baby. My prediction is that the boyfriend will eventually be out of the picture, perhaps later than you would want but it will probably happen eventually.

If by some miracle he totally turns himself around and becomes a responsible adult, good husband and father, then that would be great and hopefully you could accept him.

Regarding the wedding! I know my husband and I would never have changed the venue to another state under the circumstances you described, unless my daughter and future SIL were paying for at least half the costs.

topsail5
May 21st, 2008, 07:49 AM
Yes last night was a eye opener for them they found out they dont qualify for any state help due to the fact they make way to much money and now its looking like at least $14,000 to $20,000 to have the baby and they are upset they cant use our insurance ? i dont have a clue where that came from? With the statements about the felon family i would never say it around anyone else only my wife she knows how i feel about that deal i worked for the US government for 20 years and was shot two times in Centrial America
working the war on drugs so i have a strong aversion against anyone using selling or even being around drugs. It's very personal and i have seen so many lives totally ruined and children left in the shadows due to that i think i take it more personal than most people do. She is trying to qualify for a housing loan now he is unable to try i found out why last night he has thousands of dollars of unpaid fines and debts in TN and GA. along with unpaid taxes and 3 years behind on his childsupport or in the rears they said.
:o so last night i told the wife i will support her emotionally but not with money. I started out young dumb and with a child and struggled for years to get to the top they can do it also.

1dilwhosreal
May 21st, 2008, 08:30 AM
He sounds like a real reliable baby-daddy.

What do you think is going on with your DSD to pick him?

topsail5
May 21st, 2008, 08:58 AM
I dont know even in highschool we live in a pretty nice place great smart kids to choose from and she would pick some kid that was kicked out of school had no job and no car to date ? A couple of times i had the local PD who know me well call and ask what in the heck is she doing dating this guy we picked him up again for something i thought i was a faze but i guess its for life? My sister did the same thing PHD in latin studies so very smart but has been married 5 times only once to a guy with a college education ? the rest were drop outs from highschool ? Maybe they think they are doing the world a favor fixing them i guess i have no clue i really i wish i knew ?:confused:

KayKay
May 21st, 2008, 09:45 AM
I started out young dumb and with a child and struggled for years to get to the top they can do it also.

This is perfect. Make it your mantra. :) Tape it on your bathroom mirror, write it on a piece of paper and carry it in your pocket. IMO an attitude of "I could do it, so can you" will go a long way with your SD.

As far as why people pick other people like that... I wish I knew. My college roommate was a knockout, a 1580 (out of 1600 back then) on the SAT's, acing every course in school (she was a Math major). Gorgeous girl, sweet, funny. She met an unemployed male model :puke: in a bar. Drug abusing, controlling, abusive, also uneducated (and I don't just mean high school dropout... it is possible to be a good/successful person without completing high school. I mean, he placed absolutely NO value on her education.) She was sooooooo in love. She moved in with him and I thought she was lost. Off and on for years, no matter what her friends and family said, until she finally tripped over a really nice guy (also a high school dropout) who "rescued" her (a neighbor who watched it happening for a year and finally one night when my friend was getting beaten the guy stepped in. *big hearts to him*) Anyway, my point was that I think my friend's sole problem was self-esteem. That's all she thought she was worth. :(

IMO the best you can do is keep building your SD up and let her know that *you* think she's wonderful. (Even if you currently don't ;))

topsail5
May 21st, 2008, 10:11 AM
Yea i have told her for years now shes so smart and pretty and funny she never looks at the nice guys ? Point there was a kid in highschool with her
great looking smart he now lives down the street House on the golfcourse
boat nice cars his business after a year of college took off and he has done very well he always tripped over himself to talk to her and come by the house to say hey, She never gave him the time of day would drag home trash instead she had 1,000 chances of nice guys with ambition but like eveyrone has said its not my life and i totally understand that part but when i looked for a mate in my life i would try and find someone that i meshed with had the same intrest and the same goals or drive to do better and get further in life.I guess the answer i look for is out there with Elvis ? lol

thanks everyone for the input ill open it and read it 10 times a day < OCD
trying to find something i missed in it each time:D

Grace
May 21st, 2008, 10:35 AM
Uggh, topsail, I really feel for you. I have seen this situation close-up, as your SD sounds exactly like my sister. Smart, beautiful, nice, and ended up marrying a guy who sounds exactly like your SD's boyfriend (fiance now I guess :(- I really feel your pain). She turned away so many nice, really nice men who who head-over-heels for her, but she only seemed interested in the bad boys. It was excruciating to watch. To cut a long story short, she married him, they had 2 kids together before she finally left him. He is still a drugged-up loser, although, and probably fortunately, he doesn't show a lot of interest in the kids any more, so he's more or less out of her life. Unfortunately my sister has always had an inclination to go for what she calls 'the under-dog'. I think she feels this way about herself (goodness knows why, she has been blessed with so much) and identifies with these guys on some level.

There was really nothing any of us could do - to tell her what we thought would only have alienated her from us, we could only be supportive and be around to help pick up the pieces. I don't have any advice for you because the hard truth is there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind. But I will tell you what I told my parents after they had been supporting her (well into her 30's, and very much to their financial detriment) for years because she kept going back to this loser - show her some tough love. If you make her stand on her own two feet, she might feel like she is responsible for looking after herself - and now her child - and has to make smarter choices. In short I think you are wise to withdraw the financial support and only be there for her as moral support (unless of course things really go badly).

Unfortunately Topsail, this is the path she has chosen to travel, and although it's not what you would have chosen for her, you can't un-make her decisions. Although she's certainly chosen a bumpy road, it might not be that way forever. You can only be there waiting and hoping that she chooses another path or is able to make the best of this one. I do really feel for you though, I imagine it is every parent's nightmare.

marky
March 27th, 2011, 02:28 PM
If you're planning on adding a new baby to the family there are some things you should consider. It's a joyous time, to be sure, but it can also lead to some tension if you have older children in the house.

KayKay
March 27th, 2011, 03:11 PM
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