View Full Version : How do I discourage the regular sleepovers ?
February 9th, 2012, 08:02 AM
I'm new here but wow do a lot of these posts sound familiar.
I live in a combined family where I have 2 kids (18 - lives with his dad) and 16 (lives with us every other week), and my BF has 2 kids, 15 (lives with her mom every other week) and 19 (lives with us).
Here is my dilemma. The SS has a girlfriend who is 29 and I can't STAND her. She is loud, obnoxious, drops the f-bomb constantly, works only PT and plays videogames all day long otherwise. I've never met someone that age who is so immature. Of course he LOVES her and can't bear to be apart from her for more than like 24hrs. So now she sleeps over more and more regularly, even though she has her own apartment. More importantly, I'm getting less and less permission asked if I am ok with this - which I'm not. Especially when both teen girls are home. My BF is just so happy that his son is happy - irregardless of the fact that the SS has now opted NOT to return to finish college, works very PT and the rest of the time (you guessed it) plays video games all day long.
I am trying very hard to keep my opinions to myself about her, but my fear that these sleepovers are going to escalate into him slowly moving her in. This is NOT an option in my opinion. Like this morning, I was about to leave for work and saw that her boots were in front of the door. And I said to my BF "Oh, I assume that they stayed overnight again".
Ok, so, I would like to hear your thoughts, ideas and suggestings to dealing with this situation without destroying my own relationship and happiness.
February 9th, 2012, 08:26 AM
If the GF has her own apartment I would suggest that the sleepovers take place there!
February 9th, 2012, 08:37 AM
Unfortunately part of the problem is that the GF's out of work mother and PT working brother live with her. We live in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood, and she is WAY too comfortable with my SS running around at her beck and call, making her meals, getting her drinks, doing her laundry....unfortunately he doesn't see the pattern developing here. Sigh.
February 9th, 2012, 11:33 AM
Can you ask her to start making some modest contributions to the household finances? It's only reasonable if she is staying regularly, using your hot water, electricity etc. And it might mean she shows her true colours when she refuses. I'm assuming she will refuse.
February 9th, 2012, 02:17 PM
This is sexist, I know! Your SS is an adult man. Your BF is an adult man. For some reason, they think an overnight with a GF is a good thing. :rolleyes:
I would NOT ever say anything bad about the GF, nor would I directly interfere with BF's parenting of SS. Instead, I would focus on how this affects the household. Overnight guests should be approved by both of you. If you can't come to consensus about this, then it shouldn't happen because the house belongs to both of you. It does not belong to the children unless they are paying the bills. ;)
February 9th, 2012, 04:46 PM
If your BF is giving his approval to the relationship, there's really not much you can do, I'm afraid.
I do think that you can (and should!) set the boundary that sleepovers do not happen while the girls (or your daughter at least, since you have say over her parenting) are there. I think you discuss this with your BF and ask him to discuss it with his son and GF.
It worries me that your BF doesn't seem to have the same goals as you do as far as your combined kids go. I'm afraid that even if you dodge this bullet and the 19-yo moves in with the GF instead of her moving in with you, you'll have them living with you soon enough with a grandchild on the way that your BF feels the need to support.
ETA: I like bingobango's idea of asking for a modest financial contribution, but maybe an easier thing to ask is if they'll contribute to household chores. Cooking dinner for example...
February 10th, 2012, 08:58 AM
It's yours and your boyfriends home I assume. Seems to me the pecking order would be you and your boyfriend or, to put it another way... You're higher up on the food chain than that foul mouthed woman. She's a guest in your home and she's disrespecting it, your boyfriend, your step son and you.
Honestly, my wife would have kicked her out long ago and I would have bought tickets to watch her do it.
Of course, it's difficult to complain about your SS shacking up with this woman when you're doing it too. But, that's not really the issue is it? The woman is simply a mooch. Whatever the case... Good luck.
February 10th, 2012, 02:39 PM
:o I'm not the person to ask ... nor do I have good advice
When my DSD wants something she knows how to work her dad so that he lets her have it/gives it to her (in the past he didn't enforce rules either).
The result of this pattern of behavior was two things -
1) when it comes to DSD, I've pretty much dropped the rope (as long as it doesn't affect me/DS)
2) If it will affect/impact my DS/DS's behavior I will tell DH "NO WAY IN HELL"
DSD wanted her boyfriend to be allowed in her bedroom - DH agreed, but said her bedroom door had to remain open :rolleyes: (I wasn't even consulted)... he didn't monitor her & the very first time she/they shut the door. Needless to say - I lost it :o told him I didn't want that type of example for my DS, and no way in hell was it being allowed. Additionally, I asked if ___ (deseased first wife) would have allowed it. (the answer was no)
They (DH & DSD) were both POed at me, but I stood my ground and...:o I also tattled to DH's brother and to DSD's maternal grandma.
February 11th, 2012, 10:44 AM
Well I have been lucky that so far it's only been once this week. Although I must admit that I made it known that as I was taking a day off and I would NOT appreciate having extra 'company'.
To back track a bit, I had met her on two occasions very briefly before Christmas. Maybe said a grand total of 20 words to her. Only found out that she was then the GF. The SS asked if she could come over for Christmas Eve dinner. Although reluctant (it's a very 'family only' thing for me) I agreed. The SS then involved her in our midnight gift exchange and suddenly (without permission) she was staying overnight (didn't know that till Christmas morning when I woke up). The SS then had the NERVE to TEXT what he and his GF wanted for breakfast up to the kitchen. Luckily for him his dad was cooking or he would have gotten nothing. I almost lost my mind. The GF didn't even offer to help clean up afterwards. If someone could have violated a family tradition in just about every way possible, it was them. Of course it ruined my holiday and I then had to drop my kids back at their dad's. When I brought up my displeasure with the situation I was told that I was basically not very nice and selfish.
Anyways, I will not permit strangers to intrude on my special days ever again. Surely I am not the only one who thinks that there is some sort of 'protocol' for accepting your kid's GF or BF to be treated as another family member in something like Christmas morning. My dad, who also lives with us (he is 66 and works full time but has health problems) was suitably impressed by her breakfast table conversation. More F-bombs.
Well, still trying to be civil, without destroying my own relationship. I am, however, going to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to stay here from now on :-)
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