View Full Version : 14 year old manipulative stepson!!!!!
April 12th, 2011, 08:09 PM
My wife is from Brazil. We've been married for almost 4 years. Our marriage had been pretty good , right up until her 14 year old stepson moved in with us from Brazil. I was really excited before he got here because I really like to help people. I was able to help my wife get her green card by marrying her. I knew that he was really poor in Brazil. He lived in a room in his aunts and slept in the same bed with his unemployed alcoholic father. Who was always getting a job next month for years. If my wife didnt send money to Brazil he would of starved to death. So when the day finally came that he was legal to come it was a dream come true for us. I thought. It turned out to be a nightmare. First a little history about me. I was born and raised in one of the worst citys in the country called Newark NJ. Ive seen just about every hustle and street scam that there is. In other words theres not much that I havent seen or you can get over on me. I knew that something wasnt right when the 3rd day he was here I came home from work to find him laying in my bed watching my tv. I figured he would go to his room. He didnt move an inch. Ok no big deal I found a spot on the bed and went on my laptop. I mentioned something to my wife that I saw online and he made a gesture like I was bothering him. I said something else and he stormed out of the room. I guess I should of never came home. He is he has no respect for his mother. He will make her carry shopping bags up 3 flights of stairs and not even think twice. he plays games. example if we go to the store he'll tell his mom. Mom buy the lesser brand item I want to see your money increase. all to save 50 cents. She eats that right up. his father taught him the street hustle well. then the next day he wants big ticket items $1000 and up. hes a joke. He smashed my laptop screen. He claims he dropped it by mistake. looks like he punched the screen cant prove it. He locks himself in his room and only comes out to use the bathroom and eat when im there. when im not home its different. now hes failing school. he already missed 18 days and its only april. I did everything that I could to help him and his mother and now I feel like a stranger in my own home. oh yeah and according to his mom he is the greatest kid in the world. ANY ADVISE???? :confused:
April 13th, 2011, 04:10 AM
Jeez, that's a tough one because your DW doesn't see it. She may never see it. Because of that, she and you will not be able to discipline him. Disagreements over child rearing can ruin a marriage. It's much worse when it's over step-children, and you have the added stress of multiple cultures and the child's upbringing.
My advice would be for you and your wife to get on the same page about your marriage. The marriage must come first. Some ideas: Big money should not be spent unless both of you agree on the expense. The marriage bed, and by extension, the bedroom is off limits to anyone else.
The other side of this is your step-son. This move may be way more traumatic than you realize. To you, he's been rescued. To him, he's been kidnapped. He may not have wanted to be moved away from his home, his language, his friends, his father... Failing in school, anger, frustration, jealousy, are all symptoms of a deeper emotional problem. On top of that, he's right in the middle of the teenage years. Talk to your wife about this; she can't help him if she remains in denial. Then enter into family counseling so that this boy can get the real help he needs.
April 14th, 2011, 02:41 AM
Totally agree with Lucy.
First thing is to agree with your wife on the situation. But, try also to see her point of view. There HAS to be some good in the kid, so use her view to find that out. Because these are going to be strengths you can work with. Your wife might also then be more receptive of the things that needs working out.
Second, I would put out some rules. In all the things that he's not doing right, find three things that are absolutely off limits and find consequences to those actions. Once again, you and your wife have to agree on this. Then sit together and with everyone present tell him that whenever these three items are not followed there are going to be consequences that will apply. You have to be very specific about what actions are not allowed for this to work. For example: if you decide that one of the rules is he has to be respectful of people and things, what does that imply? Give concrete examples. Then, you can only reinforce these three things, nothing else, and he has to know that also.
Apply this for a couple of weeks/months and see how it changes the situation.
What usually happens when there is a disruptive child in the house is that we are so tired, angry, resentful, ... that every single thing he or she does becomes a source of conflict and disagreement. This 'find 3 things rule' helps both parents and children be clear about what is expected from each of them.
May 17th, 2011, 10:49 AM
You can start by telling him what you expect of him. He sounds like a kid who's really, really angry with the world. If your wife thinks he's the greatest kid in the world he's probably playing you and her - which he is. Keep in mind that he is in YOUR home and there are RULES!
He's 14? Do you know any professional counselors you can talk to about this dilemma? I can drop you a name of a counselor if you're interested - PM me.
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