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cinay
April 8th, 2011, 11:20 AM
My Step-daugher hates me..lol. no really, sometimes I really feel like no matter what I do its never going to be good enough and she is always going to dislike me for whatever reason. I treat this child as if she is my own, I buy her the same things that I buy my child that is the same age, I get on to them equally, I do nothing different with this child then I do my own. My husband and I have full custody of her so she lives with us full time but she does go see her mom every other weekend. If there was any way to stop that then that would be great but then again would it really? Her mom has been off and on drugs since before the child was born and her being only 12 has seen more things then any child that age should have ever seen and had to deal with things way above her age. But I guess the judge knows best and the child does need to see her mother. It does not matter what I do though, its never good enough or she will throw up her mom at me. Like I was fixing her hair for their school dance last weekend and she was like well my mom does it this way. Its with everything I do she wants to throw up her mom at me and she worships the ground her mom walks on although she is not around very much and keeps moving around all over the place. I know she is just a child and she does not understand a lot of things but shouldn't she know not to treat me like crap? I address some problems with her dad in hopes that he will talk to her about it if I couldn't get threw to her and it usually just ends up in a fight. She is just so disrespectful about everything and I mean everything. So bad that she asked me the other day what the weather was going to be like the next day and I was like well its suppose to rain and she popped off well how do you know that. I was like really, you ask me a question and I answer and your going to pop off at me like that. She has this snappy tone in her voice some times to where you just want to pop her and if she were mine well she might have already been popped. I try to kid around with her but she ends up just popping off about stuff and I really don't know how to handle it. Its so bad that some times I really wish she lived with her mother. If I know she would be safe and not around the things she would be around then I would make it happen but I don't want her to live that way for one and then I don't want to hurt my husband either. Does anyone else deal with these kind of things and what would anyone suggest?

snafu
April 8th, 2011, 12:07 PM
IMO - part of it is puberty, part of it might be that she really likes you , but

-she feels guilty/disloyal to her DM because she likes you
-she may realize that her DM is no prize, but is taking it out on you



have you tried counciling? (for yourself, or talking to the school councilor of resources)

cinay
April 8th, 2011, 12:16 PM
no I haven't tried counceling yet but that does sound like a good option. Everytime I try to talk to her about the way she is treating me she acts like she has no clue what I am talking about. I was thinking to that maybe she feels bad about treating me good because of her real mom. I know that her mom does not help the situation either. She does not want me to take over as her mother but the way I feel is someone has to because she sure isn't doing it. My stepdaughter has said things before about knowing that her mother was doing wrong so I am pretty sure she is aware of what her mom does or at least some of the things she does. I do think though that my step daughter trys to cover up for her mom and she keeps a lot of secrets. We can ask her if she had fun with her mom this weekend and ask her what she did and she will just be like yeah I had fun. We will be like well what you do and she will be like I don't really remember. I don't understand that but I leave it be.

LucyVanPelt
April 9th, 2011, 07:35 AM
There are 2 things going on and I really feel for your DSD.

First, there's the drugs. Your DSD should be in a Teen Al-Anon program which was designed to help children of addicted parents. Keeping secrets is part of that learned behavior and she needs you-- and especially her dad-- to help her with this.

Second, there's the remarriage. My DM and DSF remarried when I was 14 and my step-sister was 15. I was used to having a single mom and I did NOT want a DF to watch over me. Worse, I had to move to a new school, share a room with a stranger, etc. I was so mean and rude to that man through out my high school years. But as I grew up, I realized that he did love me and he walked me down the aisle, had a child named after him, and was the first to hold my children.

Now, my step-sister was a different story. She always dreamed that her parents would someday reunite, even though her DM had her BF move in the day after her DF left. She was never, ever going to accept my DM being in her life and merely tolerated her presence. At her wedding, her DF and my DM were seated at the back, and she excluded them from everything. She suffered from major depression all her life and died at 38 yo.

What was the difference? My step-sister's DM was an alcoholic who never entered recovery. She always kept secrets and felt like any attempt to bond with her DD and my DM was being disloyal to her own DM.

How your DH and you handle your DSD may make a huge difference in the way your DSD turns out. Your DH should take the lead, but they both need to know that you are in their corner and that you will always have their backs. That's a tough challenge to take on and it will be hard, but I suspect from your posts, that you are a courageous woman with true strength of character for this job. Always feel free to vent here. (((hugs)))

Priscille
April 9th, 2011, 11:38 AM
I agree with what has been said above, and I really think that you should continue creating a bond with her. At some point, she will turn around. You ARE good enough, actually you are probably more than good enough. And her mom isn't, that's what is difficult for her to accept.

At the moment, her actions are her ways of protecting herself. Secrets or not, she probably knows exactly what is going on with her mother, on some level anyway. And the situation is difficult to bear, so she wants to take it back on the whole world. When she gets back at you, it's not about you not doing or saying the right thing, it's about her not being able to accept being taken care of, because she has been let down before and she's protecting herself from the hurt of it.

Here is what I would suggest you could try. But for this to work, you really have to be consistent at it.
Every time she snaps out at you, for whatever reason it is, don't react in your usual way. First think to yourself, she is trying to lure me into her game, I'm NOT going to play!!! That will strengthen you. Then, look at her lovingly and just tell her that you understand that this might not be a great time for her and that you'll just give her some room to cool down. No punishments, no morals, no judgements,... just withdraw. Then come back a little later as if nothing had happened.

Just observe her after a few times of doing this. What this will do is change her pattern. She is used to the way you usually react, and when she snaps, she usually knows what that will trigger in you. By changing your reactions, you change her responses too.

But as I said, for this to work, you really have to be consistent at it. Because after a few times, she will get used to the new way, and she will test you. She might be even worse than before because she'll want to test this. This is why it has to be consistent. But then, when she is satisfied that she is accepted and loved no matter what, she might just start to trust you. And this is where you can have an opportunity to start a wonderful relationship with her.

cinay
April 9th, 2011, 12:25 PM
Thanks so much, these are some wonderful ideas and I think you all have really opened my eyes to what is going on. Some times I do want to just lose it with her but I do have to remember that she is dealing with things that I can't imagine and I am the adult. I married this man with this daughter and its now my job to help raise her. Thanks so much you all for your advise.

Priscille
April 11th, 2011, 04:45 AM
Just another quick suggestion that I've seen work too, to get over a loss of love.

Ask her what is one of her dreams. Then help her do things that goes towards this dream even if this dream seem outrageous. For ex: if she wants to be a famous singer, find her some singing classes or if she wants to be a photographer, help her save to buy a nice camera... Any little step that can bring her closer to something she really wants, but it has to be a real dream she has.

cinay
April 11th, 2011, 08:22 AM
good idea Priscille!!

snafu
April 11th, 2011, 11:26 AM
If your library has the book "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman (sp?)- I'd recommend it... in addition to loosing a mom due to death, it discusses "loosing" a mom to other things (abandoment, addictions, etc) - it might help

cinay
April 11th, 2011, 11:52 AM
Snafu I will have to look and see and if not then I will order it and not only does she need to read it, I would benifit from reading it as well because my mother left me and my siblings when I was three. She has been in and out of my live every since so I may get something out of it too. Thank so much.

snafu
April 11th, 2011, 11:58 AM
Cinay - read it yourself first

when I was reading it, I'd read it in the livingroom & then would leave it there... DH got interested in it, I don't think DSD ever read it


but I have given a copy to SIL, as her DM died when SIL's kids were really young

LuLu
September 7th, 2011, 10:37 PM
This is my life story to a T. You are going threw my battle that I have going on right now. I have been searching for some sort of help, advice, ideas and most of all my sanity. My husband also has custody of his daughter for almost 2 years ago. The BM lost custody because she went to prison (revoke probation - drugs). So now she's out so my SD sees her every other weekend. Before my SD was great. But now its a never ending battle of disrespect and attitudes. Pretty much the same story of how your SD is acting. I need help with this. I'm at my breaking point now. I just don't know how to deal with it. I've tried walking away from the situation, that usually ends with me in tears in my room. My BD is the same age and I know its pre teen age there both 12. But my own daughter doesn't speed to me like that. My husband tries to.talk with her. He does his best. He is a great dad. He has fought so hard for her. (3 year battle in court) but now I'm have so much trouble handling SD. I need help.

LucyVanPelt
September 8th, 2011, 05:46 AM
Welcome, Lulu. I wish I had a quick fix for you and for your DSD, but this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever dealt with.

Please be patient with yourself and your DSD. You aren't a miracle worker and you can't fix DSD's screwed up mother or that relationship. What will matter is that you let her know you are there for her while also setting boundaries on the way she can treat you. Recognize that her attitude is directed at you because you're a safe person to direct it at. Ignore what you can, and pick your battles for what is most important to you. Don't be afraid to say, "You don't have to like it, but you do have to treat me with respect. I expect ______, and if you cannot do that, then it will cost you _____ privilege."

Have you considered family counseling or individual counseling for your DSD?

snafu
September 8th, 2011, 08:12 AM
Have you considered family counseling or individual counseling for your DSD?

ditto on this -

also... I did this with my DSD (but her DM passed away) - (actually do this with both kids) - have each pick out her favorite picture(s) of her and her DM (and DF) and hang them in your living room/a common room - also hang some that you have of all of you together (DD, DSD, DH, & You)

LuLu
September 8th, 2011, 09:52 AM
Yes I have been thinking about counseling. I really feel as if I need it or something. I try to keep it together around my family. But its like I have this pressure that just builds up. I try to talk about it with SD about how she just make me feel so overwhelmed that I can't fix what's wrong with her and her situation. I feel as if she takes her anger out on me. I ask her if she talks to her BM the way she does me. Of course not is her answer. Her BM has filled her head with lies that we took her from her. That we are the reason she was put in jail and that I'm no one to her. I took care of this child with my husband while BM was in prison. I treat her like she OS my own child. When I introduce my kids to anyone I never say the is my SD I always say these are my daughters. It just seems like the BM tries her hardest to make me look like I'm always in the wrong with anything I try to do or say that has anything to do with SD. I try not to let it get to me. But when my SD seems like she feels the same way towards me. It hurts.

snafu
September 8th, 2011, 10:16 AM
((hugs))

it sound to me that it's not really personal (due to you), but totally due to her mom feeling, well... that maybe she's replaceable -