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@witsend
January 26th, 2009, 03:37 PM
I need some help.

My husband and I have only been married for 2 years. My son is a college student. He lives on campus.

To me - wherever I am is HIS home! Am I wrong? Why should I have to ask my husband's permission for my son to come home?

Background - when hubby and i dated, he saw that my son did not keep his room clean. I just shut the door. We got married and my hubby is a CLEAN FREAK. He knew how we had lived and what was important to me and what was not. My son would forget to close the shower curtain all the way.....Not Good; leave a cup in the sink...Not Good; etc, etc......

When my son went to school, the pressure and unhappiness on my hubby's side, subsided. My son wanted to move back in. He and my husband sat down and hubby told him what he expected from him....
They worked it all out and he was going to move home. After some changes in my son's life, he decided to stay on campus. My husband was relieved.

Anyway - when my son texted me to see if he could stay, I told him to call my hubby. My son's reply to me was.....
"I love you, but I just wish that my Mom would tell me, yes, you have a home to stay in....." That broke my heart - he was right! I cried myself to sleep.

Am I CRAZY??? My husband has no kids. Never has. I will not turn my back on my son again.......:(

august
January 26th, 2009, 03:44 PM
I don't think you should have to ask your husband this question, he married you...ALL OF YOU...and your son, even though he is an adult...is part of you.

stand up to your hubby and just tell him when your son is coming home.

@witsend
January 26th, 2009, 03:46 PM
Thank you......

I have done that before and my husband has a "hissie fit". Says that I don't respect him or his feelings......that my son is first in the marriage.

I say BS!!!

grubby
January 26th, 2009, 04:33 PM
I see this both ways. First, your DH married you knowing you came as a packaged deal. Secondly, you married him, knowing he was a neat-freak (and it sounds like anxiety towards it) and that you had a sloppy son. You have as much right to your son in your home, but he has just as much right to be comfortable in his own home.

I think you ought to calmly sit down with your husband and talk this out. Talk opening about what you BOTH need. He needs some kind of cleanness (and probably order) and you need to feel like a good mother and give your son a stable home. There is a compromise here.

Your son is over 18, living on campus, therefore, he should be old enough to pick up after himself and follow house rules. To me, that is just respect to both you and your DH. Have your DH agree to these house rules. Spell these out to your son, then if the time comes up, he knows the rules and you can "yes, come on over." without needing to discuss it with your DH. Of course, I find it only respectful to give him a heads up that your son is coming (in case he gets the urge to walk around in his tighty whities).

Some day your son is going to grow up and leave for good. He will establish his own home and it won't be yours.

Lastly, you need to quit letting your DH bully you and letting your son guilt you. If he is old enough to live on his own (tho on campus), he is old enough to follow a few simple, adult rules.

@witsend
January 26th, 2009, 06:01 PM
you are right!!! thanks!

maximillion
January 27th, 2009, 12:33 AM
Rats, lol, I read your post and my mind was filling with my answer, and then I read Guppy's reply, and that said it all. I agree completely. ;)

1DH+4Kids=Happyus
January 28th, 2009, 07:45 AM
Sorry - but you are wrong.

Your son is an adult.

You are married - your DH comes first. IF your son were a minor - that would be a different story.

Beth
January 28th, 2009, 09:23 AM
Being an adult in the eyes of the law is one thing, being an adult in the emotional sense is another. Kids often still need a little help even after they turn 18 for a few years. It is usually temporary.

I think your DH is being a little selfish and rigid in his rules. Personally, I don't think leaving the shower curtain open or leaving a cup in the sink is the end of the world. But your son does need to realize that he should be cleaning up his own messes. He is too old to expect mom or anyone else to do it. If he is going to live in the home, he needs to be a participant.

There needs to be some compromise between all parties.

Lynnie
January 28th, 2009, 04:17 PM
I agree with Beth, our children do need a little help and advice no matter how old they are ... I'm in my early 60's and still turn to my mother and step-father for advice when need be, as they do to me ... that's part and parcel of being involved in a family ... we all do our part equally ... it's called belonging to a loving extended family :)

Beth
January 28th, 2009, 07:01 PM
our children do need a little help and advice no matter how old they are ... I'm in my early 60's and still turn to my mother and step-father for advice when need be, as they do to me ...

Thank you Lynnie. :D One of my son's called me the other day to ask how I would handle the issue of classmates telling my granddaughter there was no Santa Claus. :eek: I have to say that I feel my son is respectful of my opinions and if he feels he would like to know what I think, I am more than happy to help. This is what elders often do in most society's. I do, however, wait to be asked. I trust my kids and their spouses to make sound decisions, but sometimes we all need help. I am pleased they come to us.

There was a time in my life where I needed help for a year or so. My family was able to assist me. I have never needed any further help over the past 30 years, but will never forget those that were able to help. And, now I am in the position of providing help for a family member for a short time if need be. :)

Lynnie
January 29th, 2009, 07:07 AM
Thank you Lynnie. :D One of my son's called me the other day to ask how I would handle the issue of classmates telling my granddaughter there was no Santa Claus. :eek: I have to say that I feel my son is respectful of my opinions and if he feels he would like to know what I think, I am more than happy to help. This is what elders often do in most society's. I do, however, wait to be asked. I trust my kids and their spouses to make sound decisions, but sometimes we all need help. I am pleased they come to us.

There was a time in my life where I needed help for a year or so. My family was able to assist me. I have never needed any further help over the past 30 years, but will never forget those that were able to help. And, now I am in the position of providing help for a family member for a short time if need be. :)

G'day Beth, I'm also pleased that they do ... other than a request for advice ... like you, I take a back seat and I do my own thing with my hubby, although I do babysit one of our grandaughter's, a little 14mth old, we have her from Monday through to Friday when her parents pick her back up for the weekend ... her brother stays at the other grandparents place during the week ... my son and his wife both work, are buying their own home and it's too far to keep coming back and forth each day to collect the children ... it's worked out for the parents, the children and also for us grandparents X 4 :cool: by the weekend us grandparents enjoy the weekend more than normal :D Huge Hugs Lynnie :)

Black Box
February 16th, 2009, 12:26 PM
I don't know if it's asking permission or giving your husband the courtesy of asking if it would be a problem for him. I'd let him know, but fully expect DH's agreement unless he says something like, "Don't you remember, my sister and her six kids will be staying here that weekend."

But if it's for more than a visit, like a whole summer or your son moving back in until he finds a job and an apartment, then your DH should have veto power.

Usually you can put up with anyone for a few days no matter how messy, unless they have clearly demonstrate malicious intent. A kid with drug problems or stealing problems or a MIL who dearly loves to stir up trouble might be barred, but a loud messy kid, or a thoughtless sibling can be tolerated for a short bit.

Would it help if when your son was over you took responsibility for cleaning up after him? Was your son wanting to 'visit' or to 'stay awhile'? Visiting comes with a beginning and and end date and connotes that he's there to spend time with you. "Stay awhile' is more nebulous, it doesn't necessarily imply a firm date of leaving, and has more of a goal of passing time.

It seems though as if a couple sessions of marriage counselling would be of use in this, since you both feel like your feelings and rights are being stomped on, and this is the sort of thing that promotes underlying resentment.

marky
March 27th, 2011, 03:27 PM
I'm glad its you and not me!LOL. This has to be one of the hardest decisions to make. I think the big question is would her parents let him sleep over! If both sets of parents are on side with it, why not, since you know they are having sex somewhere! Or just say sure, she can have your room and you can sleep on the couch! Good luck.

KayKay
March 27th, 2011, 04:12 PM
:rofl:

At some point it just gets funny, folks....

snafu
March 28th, 2011, 11:14 AM
:confused:

Knot2loud
March 28th, 2011, 11:56 AM
I wonder if the lady's son ever moved in?

EDIT: I almost got caught by the date myself. :D

KayKay
March 28th, 2011, 03:40 PM
snafu -

I was referring to the fact that I had gone through thread after thread of marky's um, posts. :D

Knot2loud
March 29th, 2011, 06:54 AM
Been thinking about the OP's situation. Trying to put myself in her husbands and her place.

Honestly, I can't think of a good reason why the lady's son couldn't stay temporarily. He's a college student and, assuming he's actually doing well in college, he just needs a place to stay. He could probably stay with friends, but maybe there's a reason he doesn't - be it monetary or maybe his "buds" are into the party scene a bit to much for his taste.

I would have an issue if it involved someone other than a child of my spouse - like a brother, sister or parent. They're grown and should be able to care for themselves. There would be rules, but I really wouldn't have a problem having a grown step child living under our roof for awhile.

Now, if he dropped out of college, started partying, playing video games and smoking dope and expected me to support him. Nope, I'd kick his butt out in a New York minute - job or no job.

snafu
March 29th, 2011, 09:01 AM
I'm glad its you and not me!LOL. This has to be one of the hardest decisions to make. I think the big question is would her parents let him sleep over! If both sets of parents are on side with it, why not, since you know they are having sex somewhere! Or just say sure, she can have your room and you can sleep on the couch! Good luck.

:rofl:

At some point it just gets funny, folks....

:o:rolleyes: - my :confused: was refering to marky's post

cinay
March 30th, 2011, 08:19 AM
I know that you feel you need to ask your husband because well its the two of you now and as a married couple you are suppose to make decisions together. Maybe next time instead of wording it like he just has to ask your husband you should say something like it sounds good to me but let me talk it over with my husband. That way your not leaving your husband out of making this decision and your not making your son think that you have no choice in him coming home only your husband does.

bellaikys
March 10th, 2012, 10:44 PM
I know your post was years ago but I hope you set an understanding between you and your husband about your son. My husbands mother never did that with her husband and she allowed her husband to interfere with their relationship. That is a hurtful thing for a child, adult or not to have the relationship with the mother destroyed. Please take this example in consideration.

Amadeus38
May 24th, 2012, 07:20 AM
[quote=@witsend;25562]I need some help.

Wow! Tell hubby to quit being a selfish jerk! I would leave my wife before I let her dictate my time with my sons, who I had before she came along. Best of luck to you...you answered your own question...you won't turn your back on your son again. Might be tricky, but marriage is about love and respect...your husband needs to fully understand that.