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Becca
June 9th, 2008, 06:20 AM
I didn't really know where to put this one.

My sister and her H were divorced in Dec. 07 after being seperated for 8 months. S has custody of the 15 yr old and the 4 yr old girls and her ex has custody of their 14 yr old son. S takes care of the 15 yr olds needs and her ex takes care of the sons needs and S gets child support for the 4 yr old. All of that sounds fair to me.

The teenagers can see the other parent when they want to and there is a visitation schedule for the 4 yr old.

Now the ex has a new women that's been living with him and nephew for about a yr now. (I'll call her A) A called my S and said that my DN was going to be in his best friends sisters wedding and the ex and A think that my S should pay for half of the tux for DN. A also said that my S was nickel and diming (sp?) the ex to death. :rolleyes: He only pays $310 a month for the 4 yr old and my S never asks him for anything.

Should she pay half for the tux?

S doesn't know what to do. I wouldn't pay it. I say it's ex bils responsibility. S didn't call her ex and ask him to pay for half of 15 yr olds prom dress.

I also think if someone had to ask it should have been ex-BIL calling instead of A. DH and I are really close to DN and DNs so we know A wears the pants in ex-BILs new family. I told DH I would love to ask ex-BIL (S and ex-BIL used to best friends with DH an myself) if A likes him in skirts or dresses. :eek:

1dilwhosreal
June 9th, 2008, 06:49 AM
I was waiting for the rest of the story. ;)

So, the new woman is really the instigator.

Your S and her ex should sit down without A and talk about the arrangements. They had an agreement that was working. If it's not working, then it's time to talk about what will work. And I'd advise her to go, prepared with the name of a professional mediator, to work things out.

It's ridiculous that a new woman should dictate anything and ruin what appears to be a good working relationship between parents.

(Should I move this to the family forum-- maybe under children or step-families?)

Becca
June 9th, 2008, 07:09 AM
I was waiting for the rest of the story. ;)

So, the new woman is really the instigator.

Your S and her ex should sit down without A and talk about the arrangements. They had an agreement that was working. If it's not working, then it's time to talk about what will work. And I'd advise her to go, prepared with the name of a professional mediator, to work things out.

It's ridiculous that a new woman should dictate anything and ruin what appears to be a good working relationship between parents.

(Should I move this to the family forum-- maybe under children or step-families?)

It would be fine to move it, I didn't know where to put it.

The problem with ex-BIL is he is used to the women in his life running his life. First his mom, even after he was grown, then my S and now the new woman. He really needs to grow a pair. He would even try to get me to make decisions for him when the 4 of us spent so much time together. So, he's not going to do anything about A putting her nose where it shouldn't be. A is also teaching the kids things about her religion, especially the 4 yr old, that go against everything my S is teaching her and ex-BIL says the new teachings arn't coming from his house. That's the only place it could be coming from. It's just a big mess and bunch of he said, she said.

elaine
June 9th, 2008, 08:58 AM
Frankly, A just needs to keep her mouth shut. It's none of her business. The arrangements for the children were made between your S and her ex, not between your S and her ex's new live-in hoochie.

I would have politely advised A that if ex wanted to discuss it, he could call me himself and discuss it. There wouldn't have been another thought about it until he did.

snafu
June 9th, 2008, 09:23 AM
I agree with Elaine.

KayKay
June 9th, 2008, 10:05 AM
I agree with elaine, but if I were S, I'd still offer to pay half. :( It's just money versus a kid being caught in the middle of an adult power struggle.

However, I'd make it clear to A that if I'm expected to pay for half of things now, I expect to be able to make half of the decisions. Next time a situation like this arises, I'd have a say whether or not he could be in the wedding party or not. :p

As far as nickel and diming... :confused:... where did she come up with that?

HisHeathenHoney
June 9th, 2008, 10:06 AM
I also agree with elaine.

It's not S who is trying to 'nickel and dime' anyone, it's A, hoping to cadge a few "off budget" extras out of S, because she doesn't like spending "her" money on "somebody else's" kid. (aside to A: Bad news lady--you got involved with a guy with kids...random expenses come with the territory. Suck it up.)

If S pays half the tux, then it will be half the cost of the class field trip, half the cost of new rollerblades, etc etc etc.

april
June 9th, 2008, 11:14 AM
if I were S, I'd still offer to pay half. :( It's just money versus a kid being caught in the middle of an adult power struggle.


I agree with KayKay. In all honesty and logic, S should not pay for the tax. But this is not just the tax or any other extra money issue. That's a kid going through what he should not. I don't know all circumstances of course, but my first impulse, after reading this thread, is that if I were S, I would renegotiate all arrangements. I would take my child back to live with me and work on the visitation schedule and money support with his father. At this point, I think, given that A is most probably not thrilled with living with somebody esle's kid, she would like that, and, given that A is the man in the house, the father would agree too. I think money is only a beginning. A can and probably will make kid's life tough and, at 14 years old, the boy is very vulnerable, he can go into all kind of mischief.

If I were S, I would take my child back.

KayKay
June 9th, 2008, 02:19 PM
If S pays half the tux, then it will be half the cost of the class field trip, half the cost of new rollerblades, etc etc etc.

This is a good point too. Hmmmm....

Oh, and if S pays half of the cost of the tux, then XBIL should pay half the cost of the prom dress too, and I'd point that out to A. ;) As in "Ok - I'll send half the cost of the tux, less half the cost of the prom dress... actually, the dress, the shoes, the mani/pedi...now that I calculate that.. you owe me $40."

Yeah, S needs to not be taking A's phone calls. :rolleyes:

snafu
June 9th, 2008, 04:54 PM
Good one KayKay (hey don't forget about getting hair done. "Updo's can cost up to $75 here)

Becca
June 9th, 2008, 05:44 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks she shouldn't pay. And yes, A needs to but out. I wish I could say something to her but it's not my place.

A few months ago 4 yr old DN had to be taken to the ER. Per the agreement DS had to call her ex and tell him. He brings A to the hospital with him. In one of the quite moments A tells DN to go to the person she loves the most, her mommy or her daddy. What kind of person would do that to a child?

A doesn't work. When ex BIL met her she was living with her mom, had no car and no job. She's 45 yrs old, 10 yrs older than ex BIL.

She does and says things that are not appropriate. 14 yr old DN goes to private school and my DM is a teacher there. She over heard DN telling someone that he, his father and A were kidding around and that A, talking about DN, said "I found his tickelish spot and it's between his legs." :eek:

A has also decided that DN isn't going back to private school next yr because it's to expensive for THEM to pay. I don't see how that's possible since I pay his tuition, not them. There are only 4 other ppl that know I pay it, DH, ex BIL, A and my Mom. My DS doesn't even know. So I'm guessing A is telling everyone that she pays it.

KayKay
June 9th, 2008, 08:43 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks she shouldn't pay. And yes, A needs to but out. I wish I could say something to her but it's not my place.

A few months ago 4 yr old DN had to be taken to the ER. Per the agreement DS had to call her ex and tell him. He brings A to the hospital with him. In one of the quite moments A tells DN to go to the person she loves the most, her mommy or her daddy. What kind of person would do that to a child?

A doesn't work. When ex BIL met her she was living with her mom, had no car and no job. She's 45 yrs old, 10 yrs older than ex BIL.

She does and says things that are not appropriate. 14 yr old DN goes to private school and my DM is a teacher there. She over heard DN telling someone that he, his father and A were kidding around and that A, talking about DN, said "I found his tickelish spot and it's between his legs." :eek:

A has also decided that DN isn't going back to private school next yr because it's to expensive for THEM to pay. I don't see how that's possible since I pay his tuition, not them. There are only 4 other ppl that know I pay it, DH, ex BIL, A and my Mom. My DS doesn't even know. So I'm guessing A is telling everyone that she pays it.

:eek:

Becca, frankly the "ticklish spot" story scares me. :eek: That is of much greater concern to me than the tux issue.

Please pass on to your S that she really needs to have a talk with DN about appropriate and inappropriate touch, and about predators. :( We already know that A likes "younger men"... She isn't related by blood, your BIL is a pushover, and your DN isn't mature enough to know better... I worry about what situations might arise there. Some women get a sick thrill out of stuff like that... one of my friends had two sons sleeping with the same woman and getting into fights over her. The woman kept it going for months... telling each man that she wanted HIM, but the other brother wouldn't leave her alone. :rolleyes:

I also think you ought to tell your S about the tuition... That's total B.S. that A is holding that over your S's head... and you KNOW she is. What possible stupid reason could she have for spouting off about it? Why doesn't your S know?

And... make sure your S documents all of the things like the hospital stunt. She may need to talk to XBIL (through a mediator, maybe) about making sure A behaves appropriately. It sounds to me like your S has her kids' best interests at heart, but your XBIL is making stupid, STUPID choices.

Mrs X
June 10th, 2008, 01:37 AM
Becca, so sorry about all this. I agree with April and KayKay.

A is maybe being low-level abusive.

You S needs to step in, with professional help if necessary.

Becca
June 10th, 2008, 06:34 AM
That comment scared us all when Mom told us. My S did have a talk with DN about it and he told her that he was just kidding around with the kids when he told them that and that it wasn't true. I believe it was true. My DM believes that A is doing things like that to make DN infatuated with her. DM and DS are keeping an eye on things as much as they can but the agreement says DN only has to go to his DMs house when he wants to. That's turning out to be about 1 night a month.

As for the tuition, when S and BIL split up DN was already going there and BIL told me he couldn't afford to keep paying it all on his on. This was before A came into the picture. I told him that I would pay it and he asked me not to tell anyone, I thought it was because he was embarassed that he couldn't send DN himself. BIL is the one that told my DM about it. I have wanted to tell my S so many times but DH says, honey you gave your word that you wouldn't say anything to anybody. I don't know what to do.

:eek:

Becca, frankly the "ticklish spot" story scares me. :eek: That is of much greater concern to me than the tux issue.

Please pass on to your S that she really needs to have a talk with DN about appropriate and inappropriate touch, and about predators. :( We already know that A likes "younger men"... She isn't related by blood, your BIL is a pushover, and your DN isn't mature enough to know better... I worry about what situations might arise there. Some women get a sick thrill out of stuff like that... one of my friends had two sons sleeping with the same woman and getting into fights over her. The woman kept it going for months... telling each man that she wanted HIM, but the other brother wouldn't leave her alone. :rolleyes:

I also think you ought to tell your S about the tuition... That's total B.S. that A is holding that over your S's head... and you KNOW she is. What possible stupid reason could she have for spouting off about it? Why doesn't your S know?

And... make sure your S documents all of the things like the hospital stunt. She may need to talk to XBIL (through a mediator, maybe) about making sure A behaves appropriately. It sounds to me like your S has her kids' best interests at heart, but your XBIL is making stupid, STUPID choices.

KayKay
June 10th, 2008, 09:09 AM
As for the tuition, when S and BIL split up DN was already going there and BIL told me he couldn't afford to keep paying it all on his on. This was before A came into the picture. I told him that I would pay it and he asked me not to tell anyone, I thought it was because he was embarassed that he couldn't send DN himself. BIL is the one that told my DM about it. I have wanted to tell my S so many times but DH says, honey you gave your word that you wouldn't say anything to anybody. I don't know what to do.

Oh I smell a RAT Becca. :mad: So BIL is getting all this "I'm so wonderful" credit by "sacrificing" to send DN to this private school. A is holding that over your S's head... see how much extra money BIL spends on DS?

I know that you have the best of intentions at heart Becca, and you are a good person for wanting what's best for DN (assuming that the private school is what's best for him). I admire that. But you are unwittingly a player in committing fraud on your poor S. :( This is a legitimate question - not a flame or anything... do you think your S would behave differently knowing that DN's tuition is paid by you? What I mean is.... has S been cutting BIL (and A) some slack thinking that they're sacrificing for DN? Is that why S is wondering if she should pay for half of the tux? That's unfair. :(

I'm sorry... I don't mean to flame you. I just feel bad for your S - she is making decisions and living her life based on false information. It sounds like you liked your BIL really well, and as though S and BIL have an amicable divorce. And that's really a good thing. I'm happy to hear that. But just IMHO, your S deserves to know the truth. She's a big girl.

That said... I agree with your DH that you gave your word. What I would do, if I were in your shoes, is call XBIL and say "Has DN been having a problem at school? A says that he's not going back because you can't afford the tuition, but that's *obviously* not true. What's the REAL reason he's not going back? And let me know what you decide to do so I can offer the tuition money to one of your DD's instead." I'd be willing to bet A backs off quickly.

BTW, you *are* paying the school directly, right?

1dilwhosreal
June 10th, 2008, 09:40 AM
I don't believe in having secrets from a mother where a child is concerned unless the child is in danger. No way would I have made the promise or kept it from my S about her own son. As a mother, I'd see that as interference. I'd know you were only trying to help, and I'd forgive you, understanding that you'd never keep a secret that involved my child again.

I'd sit my S down, apologize for my part in this, and tell her she needs to see a mediator and renegotiate the custody agreement for the sake of the children. XBIL isn't being much of a father if he's letting this new woman interfere with the custody agreement and make such significant decisions about education.

Becca
June 10th, 2008, 12:04 PM
Oh I smell a RAT Becca. :mad: So BIL is getting all this "I'm so wonderful" credit by "sacrificing" to send DN to this private school. A is holding that over your S's head... see how much extra money BIL spends on DS?

I know that you have the best of intentions at heart Becca, and you are a good person for wanting what's best for DN (assuming that the private school is what's best for him). I admire that. But you are unwittingly a player in committing fraud on your poor S. :( This is a legitimate question - not a flame or anything... do you think your S would behave differently knowing that DN's tuition is paid by you? What I mean is.... has S been cutting BIL (and A) some slack thinking that they're sacrificing for DN? Is that why S is wondering if she should pay for half of the tux? That's unfair. :(


BTW, you *are* paying the school directly, right?


The thing is my S (have you noticed I don't call her DS) doesn't want that kind of money spent on a school no matter who paid it and it's the best school in the area. I love my S but her priorities are screwed up. If she knew I paid it she'd want the same amount each month for herself. She wouldn't spend it on the girls, she'd spend it on herself. And she hasn't been cutting her ex any slack, if anything she goes at him harder because it's a "waste" paying money for school. (her word) That was one of the times I wanted to say, "it's me so knock it off."

I wish they would both be better parents and get their priorities straight.

S has decided not to pay.

Yeah :D I send the money to my DM and she takes care of it for me.

KayKay
June 10th, 2008, 01:14 PM
The thing is my S (have you noticed I don't call her DS) doesn't want that kind of money spent on a school no matter who paid it and it's the best school in the area. I love my S but her priorities are screwed up. If she knew I paid it she'd want the same amount each month for herself. She wouldn't spend it on the girls, she'd spend it on herself. And she hasn't been cutting her ex any slack, if anything she goes at him harder because it's a "waste" paying money for school. (her word) That was one of the times I wanted to say, "it's me so knock it off."

I wish they would both be better parents and get their priorities straight.

S has decided not to pay.

Yeah :D I send the money to my DM and she takes care of it for me.

Gosh Becca, this is a pickle. :( I understand your motives for not telling your S, but... I can also understand her wanting XBIL to give her what she thinks he's giving DS. I don't think she's wrong there, but OTOH I think she should want the money for her kids (not for herself). I don't understand people sometimes. :rolleyes:

At any rate, I still think you ought to give your XBIL a call and find out what the heck A is talking about. You might want to drop a hint (to A) that if XBIL isn't "paying tuition", S might expect her monthly child support checks to go up. I'll bet that shuts A up. :p

And FWIW, especially since you've got an "in" with the school... maybe the thing to do is set it up where your DN is the recipient of a "privately and anonymously funded scholarship". All economic benefit to everyone (other than you) would "disappear" if DN is pulled out of the school.

I'm really sorry about this situation Becca. :( It would really frustrate me.


ETA: Thanks for being a good aunt and doing what's in the kids' best interest. :) It restores my faith in humanity.

mum of three
September 10th, 2008, 10:09 AM
Does A actualy know that you pay the school bills. Maybe she is unaware of this and is planning on pulling him our of school as she does not agree with or like the idea of your bil paying money for school fees that she otherwise maybe able to spend.